Words by Fangirls
by Shacklebolt's Mistress
Summary: Newest chapters are two of the first words I was given SUPERCILIOUS and SHRUBBERY for Enaid Mora . So far I have about A MILLION words to work on. More posted soon!
1. Opossum

A one-shot for Texancoconut51, this is her favourite word. I hope she likes it.

Disclaimer- not mine, no profit, no sue…

Opossum

"It's not fucking funny!"

"But it is Pete, it really is!" James and Sirius were in a helpless clump on the floor, unable to do anything but cackle and roll on the floor. Sirius' long hair trailed on the floor as he held his sides and screwed his eyes shut, just when he thought he had himself under control he would take one glance at Peter and start up again. There was something about the way his blonde hair pointed in all directions and his cheeks flashed a horrified purple. James was helpless with laughter, he laughed so hard that he hit his head on the bottom of his bed.

"Ow, fuck!" Peter seemed somewhat pleased with that but his happiness was short-lived as James continued to laugh.

"What's not funny?" Remus asked as he breezed into the room, stepping lightly over the mess of socks, undies and James and Sirius strewn about on the floor. He took off his scarf and deposited his book bag on his bed.

"I could have been _killed_!"

James and Sirius laughed louder.

"It was horrible, Moony! I could have suffered real physical and psychological harm!"

Sirius was snorting, and James sounded a lot like Muttley.

"It all sounds quite terrible, Pete. What happened?" Remus asked in his most reassuring voice.

"Well, I was scoping out parts of the grounds for the summer prank, and I thought it best to do so as Wormtail. I was minding my own business, searching and snooping when… oh, God it was terrible."

The laughter behind Remus seemed to reach a crescendo.

"It's okay, Pete, what happened?"

"T-there was an Opossum… and , well… It tried to _violate _me."

Sirius and James were silent, waiting to see how Remus would react. His eyes went wide.

"So, you were nearly…"

"I WAS NEARLY RAPED BY AN OPOSSUM!" Peter yelled at last.

Remus' lip twinged, his body convulsed, his face went red and his eyes watered, finally he let out a loud guffaw.

"I'm sorry Pete, it is kind of funny… in a kind of way…"

"It's not funny, I received unwanted amorous advances from a white beast. That thing was like a cat with rabies, a personal hygiene problem and a severe psychological disorder!"

"I am sorry, Pete… it's just… well, that was the last thing I expected you to say."

Remus elbowed Sirius and James in the ribs _hard_.

"Ow, fuck, Moony that hurt!" Sirius whined. A hard look from Moony soon had both boys apologising.

"Let's get dinner, shall we?"

Finally Peter seemed heartened, as he and James lead the way out of the dormitory.

"I probably shouldn't have laughed." Sirius whispered to Remus.

"No, we shouldn't have…"

"But it _was_ kinda funny."

"Not for Pete."

"No, not for Pete."

"I mean, how would you like it if you were walking along minding your own business and someone just came out of nowhere and started snogging you?"

"Depend who it was I suppose, Moony."

"What if it was a bloke?"

Sirius was quiet for a minute, as though he were wondering whether to say what was on his mind. Finally he muttered, "I direct you to my previous answer."

"What?"

"It would depend which bloke, how I would react, I mean…"

Remus made a vague sort of "oh" noise and seemed to stare off into space a bit.

"Moony! I just confessed my sexuality to you and all you can say is 'Oh?' Really?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"I dunno… you're not freaked out."

"No… I'm confused."

"Confused? Why?"

"Well," Remus said as he pulled Sirius aside to a secluded piece of wall-space, "I'm wondering if this means I should kiss you."

Sirius' brain made a strange sort of crunching noise inside his head, and he wondered if he had had an aneurysm but then soft lips were on his and soft hands were on his body and soft breath ghosted across his cheek and he was certain that his brain would seep from his ears any minute now because Remus was a brain-meltingly good kisser. Or maybe this was how it felt to get what you wanted… he wasn't sure.

But it was awesome in a scary kind of way.

Though it wasn't as scary as the look on McGonnagal's face when they finally came up for air, and it wasn't as awesome as the warm feeling he got in the pit of his stomach when Remus took him by the hand and led him to McGonnagal's office.

"Much better than an Opossum…" Sirius whispered.

…

If anyone else has a favourite word they think I could make a fic out of, and if they want me to, leave it in a review… S.M x


	2. bucket of Fate

For xakemii, who couldn't chose between the words fate and bucket (It's okay, neither could I)

Disclaimer - No mine, no profit, no sue.

Bucket of Fate

….

Whenever the word fate is uttered, it is usually met with sighing. Sometimes it's the nose-pinching, weary, 'here we go again' type of sighing. Other times it's a more girly, dreamy, hopeful kind of sighing. Either way the word denotes something _bigger_, something mystic and… well, fate-like…

The word 'bucket' is another matter entirely. Unless you happen to be Remus Lupin, for him the words fate and bucket are linked, particularly when one Sirius Black is concerned.

….

The reason Remus and Sirius met was because of a bucket. Remus knew that they would have met anyway, they were to share a room for the next seven years, but he couldn't help but feel that their relationship would have been different. He knew that his friends were fiercely protective of him, and he had always appreciated that. He knew it wasn't because they thought he couldn't look after himself, they knew how strong he was, but they wanted him to know that _someone else_ cared, that someone else was there for him to lean on. This was quite literal the first time they met. The first years had made the perilous journey across the lake, and were being ushered into the room beside the Great Hall. Remus was staring wide-eyed at the portraits and tapestries, taking in the sheer scale of Hogwarts, and so didn't see the bucket Filch had left out. One minute he was aghast at how loud the students were in the next room, wondering if he would ever feel so small again, the next minute he had his left foot wedged in a bucket and he was watching the ground rush up to meet him. Thin, pale hands were there to meet him, along with a "You alright, mate?" Remus found himself looking into storm grey eyes, and a roguish smile. How the hell did an eleven year old get a roguish smile? He didn't know, but there it was. He was soon being dragged to his feet. He managed to mutter out a small thank you and his own, smaller, shyer and generally less impressive grin, the other boy had turned and pulled out his wand. He was muttering something to the bucket as the first-years were called in for the sorting. He waited for the boy so he wouldn't have to walk into the Great Hall alone.

"My name's – " The boy started.

"SIRIUS BLACK." McGonnagal finished.

"What she said." He added as he wandered to the small wooden stool. He glanced nervously at the Slytherin table, the Slytherin students all looked expectantly back, and the entire hall was deathly quiet when the Sorting Hat declared "Gryffindor!" before it could be placed on his head properly. For a split second the boy looked terrified, but he soon placed the smile back on and walked towards his cheering house table. Soon a startled Remus found himself beside the dark haired boy.

"Remus." He introduced himself, putting a hand out. It was taken with gusto and a polite "nice to meet you."

"What were you doing to the bucket?" Remus asked quietly, so as not to invite eaves-droppers.

"The bucket? Oh, that… I was putting a biting hex on it."

"A…"

"A biting hex, and I shall do it to every bucket old Argus leaves out until he learns. You could have broken your bloody neck. I probably won't be there to catch you all the time you know." The boy joked.

"That's okay, I'll probably find something else to trip over."

…

The second time a bucket changed the direction of Remus' life in relation to Sirius was in fourth year. This time it was in the form of a rather unpleasant individual from Slytherin, known as Bucket because of the rather unfortunate shape of his head. Bucket was from Slytherin and therefore well versed in bullying. Remus was from Gryffindor and therefore quite adept at dodging Slytherins and/or turning their abuses against them. Today was one of the rare occasions that a Slytherin got the better of one of the Marauders. Remus had walked straight into a ridiculously simple snare charm and was suspended from his left ankle. He was spinning slowly and must have looked ridiculous with the blood rushing to his head and his robe flapping about his face. He decided not to add to this by flailing about and trying vainly to reach his ankle or his wand, which lay on the ground a little to his right. Instead he concentrated on the counter-curse, wandless magic may have been somewhat advanced but if ever there was a good time to try it now was it. He screwed his eyes shut and concentrated. When he opened his eyes he was face to face with a purple-faced Bucket.

"Bucket." Remus greeted casually as though hanging upside-down was perfectly natural.

"Fag." Bucket nodded.

"Oh no, I don't smoke, thanks anyway."

"I mean you are a fag."

Remus looked slowly over his shoulder and saw no one there, he then looked over the other one.

"Oh! You mean me…"

"Of course I do."

"Look, Bucket, I'm not sure if it's the ridiculous shape of your head, or the fact that your parents are practically brother and sister but I think you're a bit confused…" Even here, in an empty hallway, totally vulnerable, Remus couldn't bring himself to be afraid of Bucket. Once a month a snarling beast ripped its way out of his innards, nothing Bucket could do could compare to that. Something in Bucket's eyes said that he knew this about Remus, he knew he didn't intimidate the boy one bit, and he wasn't quite sure what to do about that. So he stood there staring angrily at Remus until Sirius came and hexed him to the Hospital wing. He helped Remus down.

"Are you okay, Rem?"

"Of course I am, what's Bucket going to do to me?"

"What did he do?"

"He called me a fag."

"Pfft…" Remus took a deep breath and made a decision.

"Strangely… it's probably the most insightful thing he ever said, even though he doesn't know."

"What?"

"The reason I was distracted enough to get caught was because I was thinking about how to come out to you guys."

"You're gay?"

"Yep. Got a problem with that?"

"No. Do you/"

"No."

"Excellent."

…

In fifth year Remus found a reason to forgive Sirius through a bucket. It had been six weeks since the Prank, six weeks since Remus had even looked at Sirius, but as he walked to Potions one afternoon he saw Argus Filch wrestling with a wooden bucket. Soapy water sloshed everywhere as vicious fangs tried to make a meal of the squib's rangy limbs. Even now, Padfoot was charming the buckets to keep him from breaking his neck.

…

In sixth year it was Christmas time, and Remus and Sirius were busy shopping in London. Remus was lost in a daydream of finding a gift-wrapped yet clearly naked Padfoot from Santa on his bed on Christmas morning and was not looking where he was going. Thin hands reached out and grabbed him by his collar. He was pulled roughly backwards, out of the path of a fast moving van. "Bucket and Mason Removals" read the neat script on the side.

"Jesus Moony! Watch what you're bloody doing! You could have been killed!"

"Sorry, Pads. You realise this is the third time you've saved me from a bucket?"

"What?"

"That van was for a removalist company called Bucket and Mason, you saved me from it, then there was the time you rescued me from the Slytherin imbecile named bucket, and a literal bucket on the day we met…"

"Well, I…"

"You're my hero…" Remus breathed, batting his eyelashes and acting every bit the melodramatic heroine.

"Shut up."

"What favour woulds't thou like, oh bold knight?"

"Moony…"

"Sorry Pads, just kidding."

They continued their shopping and were on their way home when Sirius asked earnestly.

"Who were you thinking about?"

"What?"

"When you nearly got flattened today, who were you thinking about?"

"Who?"

"Yeah, who. Not even you can be so distracted by schoolwork or shopping to get almost run over, it had to be a person. Who was it."

"You know, you are entirely too observant."

"And you aren't as evasive as you think you are. Answer me."

"Why do you care."

"Because it had to be pretty important."

"I don't think you'll like the answer."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I just don't think that you will."

"When have I ever not liked any answer you've given me?"

Remus looked for a long time at Sirius now. He wasn't sure what to do, he longed to tell Sirius exactly how he felt as they walked along the streets towards the Leaky Cauldron, but he was afraid. Something about the way Sirius leaned in almost imperceptibly to hear the answer and the frantic murmur of the pulse in his neck told Remus that honesty was the best way to go. He stopped suddenly and placed his shopping bags down. He sat on the empty street, his back against a brick wall. He patted the spot beside him.

"If I'm going to do this I might as well be comfortable." He allowed Sirius to situate himself before he continued.

"I was imagining my Christmas present… I want you, with a big bow and very little else."

Sirius smiled like he had when they met, only this time he leaned in and kissed Remus.

…

That Christmas Remus got exactly what he had asked for, as well as a small gold pendant, a tiny bucket on a chain from Sirius to remind his how fate, and a bucket, is a mysterious thing.


	3. Cupboard

Anonymouse-squeak requested "Cupboard of doom" sadly I couldn't do it. So I took the first word, and this is not SB/RL but I hope it's acceptable. If you want a SB/RL cupboard fic there is one to be found in Slash by Numbers.

My first actual HP fic *freaking out* I know it's short, but it's what I thought of when I got the word cupboard.

Disclaimer – no mine, no profit, no sue!

Cupboards

Many people assumed that Harry Potter hated cupboards. They would assume that cupboards, and confined spaces in general, would evoke painful memories of childhood and the Dursley's abuse. If any of them had bothered to _ask_ him, however, they would have discovered that he quite liked cupboards. He would have told them of the peacefulness he felt amongst the dust and the spiders. Rather than feeling trapped in the cupboard under the stairs, Harry felt free. What people never seemed to realise was that when the Dursleys locked Harry in they locked themselves _out_. Harry saw it as a slice of glorious freedom. No nasty comments, no stiff silences, no orders and no insults. Quiet and calm.  
The dust and the spiders were wonderful. It was _his_ dust, and they were _his_ spiders. He loved the spiders, and he had named them all. As a tiny, shaking and pale three year old Harry had named his first spider, 'Friend.' He knew that it was a sign of the intense loneliness he felt, of just how horrible his childhood was, but even as an old man Harry felt a rush of love whenever he thought of Friend that his breath would catch. He knew people would never understand, especially Ron.

In times of stress Harry would seek out small spaces and would occasionally conjure a spider to sit in his hair.  
That was home, that was safe.

That wasn't to say that he never dreamed of escaping and having a normal life. He would quite often imagine a tall, thin man, pale and in pain, like himself. Someone quiet and gentle, someone to understand him, someone to hug him and read him stories before bedtime and to make him breakfast in the morning, someone to walk him to school and home again. Other times he imagined someone exciting and loud, someone like a whirlwind, someone filled with love and life and laughter. Someone who would kick down the door and grab him up and take him away – hopefully swearing at Uncle Vernon on the way. Sometimes the little Harry would think he almost remembered these men, as if they were echoes of shadows from the time when he had parents. He would sit in the dusty dark, whispering to his spiders of escape for all of them, of love and laughter and family, too small to realise that he was, in his own peculiar way creating it.

Yes, most people thought Harry Potter hated cupboards. But then most people believed what they read in The Daily Prophet…


	4. Tiger

For my friend Kathleen, whose favourite word is Tiger.

Disclaimed.

Tiger.

"Tiger?"

"What?" James asked distractedly as he gazed across the room at Lily.

"Fucking Tiger? She called him Tiger! I mean _Honestly_!" Remus made a small exasperated noise.

"Who?"

"That stupid bint Pads is with."

"Oh…" James looked confused.

"I mean he hates cats."

"Yeah."

"And he looks ridiculous in stripes."

"Y-"

"And orange washes him out!"

"Moony, I can't help but suspect that I have missed something."

James had now stopped staring at Lily and drooling over his DADA essay and was staring at Remus, waiting for an explanation.

"Mara. She called Sirius 'tiger'."

"When?"

"Just now." James craned his neck until he spotted Sirius and the small, blonde Hufflepuff.

"They're all the way across the library, how do you know?"

"I heard it."

"How-"

"You really are dense sometimes Prongs." Remus rolled his eyes.

"Right, the furry little problem has its upside."

"Upside? You try having super-human hearing when you share a dorm with three other blokes."

"Oh…. Eurgh…"

"Tell me about it."

"That's just," James seemed to think about it a while and blushed, "That's horrifying."

"_You_ think it's horrifying? You don't know the half of it. Incidently why do you still call her Evans when you're… er… y'know?" Remus made a small, unmistakeable hand gesture. James stared open-mouthed and horrified at Remus, his eyes glanced at Lily, before they went back to staring at Remus.

"Why would you listen?"

"I don't listen, I _hear_. There is a difference." Remus countered, "You think I _want_ to know about your strange little fetishes? You think I want to know all about Peter and his rather flawed ideas about female anatomy? Do you think I want to know that? If you do you're madder than the Blacks." Remus folded his arms in a huff and took to glaring at Sirius and Mara. His features softened as he watched Sirius from across the room, the dark haired boy grinned quietly to himself and ran a hand through his hair. Remus was so lost in watching Sirius that he totally forgot that James was watching him.

"Very interesting." He heard muttered beside him.

"What is?" he asked absentmindedly, unable to tear his eyes away from Sirius.

"Do you always look at him like that."

"What?" Remus asked looking at James as though he had just appeared beside him unexpectedly.

"Do you always look at Padfoot like that?" James asked simply, with an encouraging smile, to let Remus know that it would be okay if James' suspicions were correct. Remus merely blushed.

"No, usually I wait until no one is looking."

…

Review and give me more words please!


	5. Gesticulate

Gesticulate – as suggested by Enaid Mora.

Not mine. Don't sue. No moneys.

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is a place where many lessons are taught and many, many things are learned. It is the place where Tom Riddle learned of horcruxes and where Rubeus Hagrid learned that life could be unfair. It is where, in years to come, Bellatrix Lestrange will learn a hard lesson in mother's love, where Neville Longbottom will learn that he sees a hero whenever he looks in a mirror and where Harry Potter will learn that nobility comes in many forms - even if it is decidedly bat-like and greasy.

Today's lesson is for Remus Lupin.

Remus had many quirks. One of them was that he talked with his hands. Constantly sweeping, waving and jabbing, palms up, fingers pointed, fists balled and fingers shaken. This had never been a problem.

Until one fateful day.

"Today class, we will be practicing wandless magic." Professor Flitwick announced.

"Excellent!" James beamed at the other marauders.

"Why are you so excited?" Sirius asked.

"Because I am going to be brilliant at this!" James smiled smugly.

"What makes you think that?" Sirius asked, one eyebrow raised questioningly.

"I'm good with my hands." He answered imperiously. Sirius rolled his eyes and scoffed.

"Please… just because you're a bloody wanker."

"What?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't realise being a wanker was a prerequisite. You're right, mate. You'll do great."

James opened his mouth to reply when Remus swept a thin hand between them.

"Please, please settle down, children. I don't want to miss this."

"Sorry, Moony." Sirius murmured.

"Yeah, sorry." James assented

"Besides, you're both wankers." He added smoothly. Two sets of eyes fell upon him, gazing reproachfully. He giggled at them lightly before turning his attention to the lesson.

They were to perform the Wingardium Leviosa Charm. The class progressed well enough, the class busy in silence, broken only by the occasional gasp when a feather would flutter but ultimately go nowhere. As the lesson drew to what everyone thought would be an uneventful close, Remus Lupin's feather rose slowly and gracefully toward the ceiling. All eyes in the class watched its progress with intense interest until it hit the stone roof.

Remus whooped loudly, punching his right hand into the air in triumph. To his right James suddenly flew across the room, settling into the box of cushions the first years used.

"Blimey." Remus said quietly.

Lesson learned - Big hand gestures and wandless magic don't mix.


	6. Ostrich

A fic for xNomii who suggested 'Ostrich' hope you enjoy!

Ostrich.

"It's official," He looked down at the two boys on the ground before him, bound by magical ropes and struggling in vain to escape, "You two are _literally_ dumber than paint."

Earlier…

He tried to slow his breathing and quiet the frantic thrumming of the heart in his chest. He took and deep breath and tried to become one with the surrounding shadow. This was life and death. This was a matter of honour… and a bunch of other stuff he would think up later when Remus would give him _that_ look and act as though running Snape's underwear up the school flagpole was not only immature, it was also unimaginative. As Sirius snuck through the darkened hallways toward the rendezvous point he couldn't suppress a giggle. As he entered the fifth floor corridor he headed towards one of the marauders favourite secret passageways - one that led straight to the dungeons. He could just make out the movement of James coming the other way. They met beside the passageway, each checking that the coast was clear. As they did their eyes fell on the portrait behind them. An ostrich preened itself regally. Sirius was just about to remark that it reminded him of another preener he knew when James laughed quietly and whispered "Ugly bird." They then looked around once more before they entered the passage. Unseen the Ostrich shook its wings angrily and slunk out of its frame.

By the time the boys walked out of the passage near the dungeons the Ostrich was there, standing beside a morose looking child, squawking. It had already attracted a couple of Slytherins.

"Shit."

By the end of the hair-raising escape they then had to make they had realised a few things. There was no chance of getting those undies tonight, the Slytherins were getting slightly faster and that their favourite passage way had now been discovered and was therefore useless.

They also knew that this meant war.

"Don't you think you two are over-reacting?" Remus asked as they plotted a few days later.

"What do you mean, Moons?" Sirius asked sweetly.

"Well… It's a painting…"

"And?" James asked.

"Of a bird."

"That bloody Chicken lost us one of our best passageways!"

"You did kind of started it."

"What?"

"You called it ugly."

"So? It was totally uncalled for it to bug out like that."

"Like how last week you cursed Douglas Spedden for asking you to move your ego so he could see the blackboard?"

"That's different. Now, are you going to help or not?"

"Not."

Sirius and James stared at him in disbelief.

"I not only think that it's stupid, I also think that you'll fail."

"Fail? Against a painting?"

"A painting that has been here longer and seen more than you could possibly imagine."

"We'll just see about that, Moony."

…

Soon Sirius and James had come up with a plan. They were going to transfigure the painting so that the ostrich was emerald green and silver and the plaque read 'Another Snake'. They had researched and mastered the relevant spells, and were ready to go. They passed Remus on the way out. He looked over his book at them and hummed a song they play in cartoons when someone is doomed. Sirius and James merely looked at him blankly, having never seen a cartoon in their lives. With a shrug they were out of the door. As the portrait swung shut behind them Remus pulled the Marauder's Map out of his pocket and settled in to see how the two little dots, with his best friends names attached, headed out to learn a lesson in contrition.

Once again they split up, making their separate, silent ways toward the enemy. Sirius was walking confidently yet stealthily, a sure smile spread across his face until he heard a strange sound behind him. He stopped in his tracks and slunk to the side, hiding in the shadows by the walls. He strained his ears trying to recognise if the sound was the shuffling of Filtch, or the gentle sweep of Mrs. Norris or the footfalls of teachers or students. The more he listened, though, the less he could tell about it. It seemed to be getting closer then further away and coming from all different directions. Sirius decided to meet James and they would decide what to do then. He hurried towards the ostrich portrait, he was now running late. As he was very near where he was to meet James he saw a dark figure coming towards him, it was running in his direction, wand raised. Sirius reacted instinctively. He cast a binding charm at the same time the Shadowy figure did the same. The binds hit him as he ran forward, he tripped over himself and found himself skidding forward toward James, similarly bound. They came to rest below a canvas showing the golden plains of Africa. Soon an ostrich was above them, preening and shaking its feathers in smug delight.

In the common room the portrait swung closed as Remus Lupin stepped out of it, on the way to say I told you so.


	7. Shirin Jan

Shirin Jan. 'Sweetheart'

For TangerineFields.

The idea behind this fic doesn't even belong to me! What are the chances that the characters would be mine? (Slim to non-existent is the answer by the way.)

Remus Lupin stopped dead in his tracks. In front of him, in the sunny Saturday afternoon light sat Sirius Black. Sirius was reading a book. This usually would not have vexed the werewolf, Sirius was an avid reader. He often scoured the library for books that might hold some half-forgotten spell that could be implemented in one of their cunning plans. No, it was not the fact that his best friend was reading that had the boy confused, but something else.

It was the nature of the book itself.

It was a thin, dog-eared paperback (the irony was not lost on Remus). A mostly-white cover was cradled in Sirius' pale hands. Sirius still hadn't looked up, so whatever the contents of the book, it had him enthralled. Remus' curiosity aflame he stepped forward and cleared his throat.

"What are you reading, Padfoot?"

Sirius jumped about a mile in the air and looked back at Remus with a face that was as guilty as sin. He now had the book clutched to his chest.

"Sorry, Moony?"

"That book," Remus gestured with a slim white index finger, "What is it?"

"Oh… er, nothing."

"Really?"

In a flash Remus had closed the distance between them and snatched the book away. He read the cover in a gleeful misbelief.

"Is this a _romance novel_?"

"It's not what it looks like…"

"Not what it looks like?" Remus' eyes lit up with mischief, "Let's see exactly what it looks like, shall we?"

Ignoring Sirius' protests he turned the book over and started reading the blurb on the back.

"Shirin Jan – The Desert Lover. In the desert his kisses were hotter than the sands and his passion burned brighter than the sun. When British Newspaper heiress Dolores Marquis-Moffatt decided to explore the harsh lands of the Sahara following the death of her fiancé in a tragic blimp accident, she never imagined it would open in her the unimaginable feelings that she felt when she met… him."

Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius and continued on.

"Duncan O'Flannery-Molloy is a big game hunter and part-time architect, he has lived in the desert for a decade, but when he sees the naïve Dolores in the bazaar in Marrakesh he is drawn to her like a moth to a flame. Will he bag the biggest catch of his life, or will she, and the dormant feelings welling in his heart and loins, disappear like a mirage?"

Remus shook his head and laughed.

"I cannot believe that you were reading this!"

"Well… You listen to German love-songs." Sirius pouted.

"They don't sound like love-songs when someone's speaking German."

"Only if you can't speak German. I think they are all beautiful."

"You can speak German?"

"'Course I can. My idiot mother's from there, isn't she?"

"Oh, yeah…. Now let's see how Dolores is fairing in the desert hotter than her loins." Remus picked a random page and began reading.

"She was still unused to the heat, but fashion and decency insisted on certain things, so she soldiered on. As she wove her way through the colourful market, she tried not to think about being here only a few short months ago. She had met Duncan then, and she had fallen in love with him. He turned out to be more of an idea than a person and she had been heartbroken by his inability to let her into his heart. He had let her into his bed, but she may as well have been any woman, really. In order to keep her composure, she leant down to inspect a small silver charm in the nearest stall. She would not cry. She didn't cry when Daddy shot Gnasher, her first horse and she'd be damned if the mere thought of that brute would reduce her to tears. As she composed herself and kept moving the crowd before her parted and there he was. His neat blonde hair beneath a large, battered hat, his strong arms barely contained by the thin, sweat-drenched shirt. And his eyes. His eyes undressed her where she stood and with a jolt she realised that he was here now and kissing her deeply. She came away breathless before she reached out for him again as she realised, here in the sea of humanity, that from now on there would only be two of them. And it was enough."

Remus made a small vomiting noise.

"What was wrong with that?" Sirius asked, annoyed.

"What was wrong?' Remus echoed incredulously, "You want a list? First of all,' He flicked back to the book to find the part he had been reading " Ah, here. Sweat-drenched? How is that sexy in any way? Is body odour supposed to turn you on? Secondly I don't think I've ever been undressed by somebody's eyes and I'm sceptical that it can even be done. And lastly, the guy was clearly a total dickhead but he is redeemed by a single kiss? No one is that good a kisser."

"Is that a fact?" Sirius asked, a worrying look in his eye.

"Yes, yes it is." Remus wasn't backing down on this one.

"The sweat thing I don't understand either, but as for the other two…" Sirius stood up then and stared into Remus' eyes, before long the boy's eyes had traced a line down Remus' neck and was rounding his shoulder, as they traced down further Remus had the distinct feeling of heat tracing these same lines. He felt exposed and utterly helpless, yet a deep thrill ran through him, as Sirius moved a little closer and started to kiss him. The soft lips on his seemed as though they were on fire, and the sweet tongue that accompanied them brought hard, wonderful teeth and Remus quite forgot everything outside of this glorious feeling. This unholy fire that was tracing the same lines that Sirius' eyes traced seconds ago, coming to a rest low in his belly. For a glorious second there was nothing but getting lost in this feeling. A glorious second that ended when a very smug Sirius Black spoke.

"Told you so."

" You're still a girl."

"We'll see which of us is the girl…"

"Is that a threat or a promise?"

…

Hope you liked it TangerineFields. I hope everyone enjoyed Shirin Jan- The Desert Lover. It will NOT be appearing in a good bookstore near you. x


	8. Mothers

Mothers. Or how to cheat at using suggested words…

…

I used four suggested words, voluptuous, feisty, resplendent and malice suggested by CassieXSage, xNomii and Enaid Mora. Hope you like it and forgive my cheating ways. (You will)

Disclaimed.

…

Some people would accuse Sirius Black of not being the world's deepest thinker. Some of them would go on to describe the dark haired animagus as vapid, vain and immature as they swept their greasy hair out of their face.

These people would be wrong.

Sirius Black's mind was an active one. Fertile, quick and philosophical. The thing about Sirius Black was that no matter how deep his thoughts he was never showy about thinking. He never resorted to chin-rubbing or projected 'hmmmm's to let the world know that he was, indeed, thinking. Most of the time when he was pondering the important questions of life, the universe and everything he often looked as though he was doing the opposite.

Take for example the clear Saturday afternoon in his sixth year. Outwardly he was making rude hand gestures at the Slytherin Quidditch team as they played Ravenclaw. Inwardly he was considering a topic that had vexed him for his whole life.

Mothers.

While Sirius knew that his experiences at the hands of his own mother were not representative of mother-son relationships the world over, it still astonished him to find that his friends actually _liked_ their mothers. He could not get it out of his head. These boys enjoyed spending time with their mothers, liked sending them letters and picked out thoughtful gifts at birthdays and Christmas. Sirius just couldn't understand it.

Until he met them.

Peter's mother was the first of the Marauder's matriarchs that he encountered. She was a short and cheerful woman, with a kind smile that sat almost permanently beneath a mop of thin blonde hair. Her voluptuous frame (although unkind people would use a harsher word) was almost permanently to be found in the kitchen – the true heart of the Pettigrew household. It was there, over the ancient stove that Sirius first met her. He had come to visit Peter in second year. As he set foot in the kitchen he smelled the most delicious food he had ever encountered. Mrs. Pettigrew had been standing with her back to him stirring a rich, brown gravy as the roast cooked in the oven. She had turned her head and smiled at him.

"You must be Sirius."

"Yes, Ma'am." Sirius answered nervously.

"Come here and tell me what you think of this." She held out a spoon with gravy on it. Gingerly Sirius approached her and took the spoon from her. She smiled gently and nodded encouragingly as he tasted the food.

"It's the most delicious thing I've ever tasted." He smiled at her finally. She merely beamed back and from then on they had had an easy friendship, Mrs Pettigrew often bemoaning how thin Sirius was. (Until, of course, she met Remus.) Sirius never saw her out of the kitchen, she was always cooking, cleaning or reading at the wooden bench. It was here they celebrated a few of Peter's birthdays, a few Easters and other holidays. It was here he had had many an easy conversation and here where the Pettigrews gathered when Peter's dad died so suddenly in their fourth year. He had seen her since then. She was still cheerful if not a little older, her smile a tiny bet dimmer, but she was still ready to talk about anything and everything in the large, warm kitchen and her roast dinners were still the best in the world.

James' mother was simply resplendent. She was literally the shiniest person Sirius had ever encountered. Her jewellery was always cleaned and polished, her teeth the whitest he had ever seen and her hair shone in the sun. The only thing brighter than these things was her personality. She was dignified and graceful, her words weren't excessive, she rarely spoke. When she did it was always measured and succinct. It had been her that had taken him in when his own mother's malice had finally taken its toll and it had been her that had given Sirius his first hug. He had never been hugged by his own mother, and quite frankly the idea of it was horrifying to him, but Mrs. Potter's hug was warm and secure and he had been very thankful when she pretended that she hadn't noticed him crying. She was the closest thing he had encountered to a real mother.

The last of the Marauder's mothers that he met was Remus'. Mrs. Lupin was shorter and thinner than Remus but she was as feisty as they came, the perfect foil for Remus' laid-back father. She had a quick wit and a wicked laugh and if Sirius was honest she was his favourite of the three. He wasn't sure if it was because she was the exact opposite of his own mother or because she was so similar to Remus. She told rude jokes and smoked like a chimney but she always had the best advice.

Shortly after Sirius had run away, a few weeks after the hug, Sirius spent the weekend with Remus and Mrs. Lupin gave him the best advice he ever got in his life. Mrs. Lupin noticed that Sirius was more reserved than usual.

"What's wrong Sirius?"

"Oh, nothing. Everything. I don't know. I just feel so…. Shit."

Mrs Lupin smiled a small smile and sat beside Sirius, she gently took his hands in hers.

"Sometimes when the Ministry are being total bastards about Remus, or the bills are piling up, or if life in general is getting to me, there is one thing I do that _always_ makes me feel better. Would you like to try that?"

"Sure. What is it?"

"When life gets you down all you have to do is say 'Fuck them all' at the top of your voice."

Sirius looked at her dubiously. She merely shrugged and closed her eyes.

"FUCK THEM ALL!" She yelled at the heavens.

Sirius couldn't help but smile.

"Your turn."

"Fuck them all!"

"Come on, you can do better than that. Fuck all of them, your mother, your brother, me, The kids you go to school with, the minister of magic. _Everyone._" She smiled.

"FUCK THEM AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL!" And Sirius had to admit that he felt a damn sight better when he was done.

He wondered why his mother never dispensed delicious food and easy conversation, quiet affection and astoundingly inappropriate advice and eventually he realised that his mother didn't do it because this was the way that these women showed him that they loved him, and his mother didn't. She couldn't love him. She was too small for something so great as love and in the end he had swapped her malice for three beautiful women, voluptuous, resplendent and feisty. Perfect.

As he jumped to his feet and cast aspersions upon the nearest Slytherin player's father's sexuality Remus looked and him and winked.

"Fuck them all, Pads."

Soon Sirius was wondering how the hell Remus always knew what he was thinking but had failed divination so horribly.

…

I dedicate this fic to my mother. I miss you more every day and one day when we meet again the heavens will echo with laughter and the sun will shine a little brighter on those left behind. I love you. x


	9. Lozenge

Lozenge.

As suggested (like, a million years ago, sorry!) by AKBookGirl. Hope she likes it, and everyone else does too. JP/LE and SB/RL short and sweet and hopefully fun!

Click, click, clatter, scratch, rustle, scratch, click.

_Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, I'm patrolling the halls with Evans for prefect duty. Suddenly she turns to me, want and need shining in her eyes. 'Oh, James' she'd say. Wait, she doesn't sound like that… 'Potter, my tits are cold! Warm them with your sexy, manly hands.' Yeah, that's her. She's warm and supple and she moans quietly leaning into me, her mouth hanging slightly open searching out my own…_

Click, clatter, click, click.

"Moony! Shut the fuck up!" James hissed across the History of Magic classroom. Binns continued to drone on.

Click.

Remus looked up, his mouth pulled to one side as he sucked on a muggle throat lozenge. He raised his eyebrow inquisitively.

"The infernal clattering of those things on your teeth is driving me to distraction! Why don't you go and see Poppy? She'd give you a potion and you'd be fine within seconds!" James whispered.

Click, crunch, swallow.

"Prongs, if I want to suck on a bloody cough drop I will. Who cares if you're distracted? I'm the only one actually working. What are you doing over there? Note taking seems unlikely… Perhaps you're curing world hunger? No? I know! You are sitting there fantasizing, probably badly, about Evans." On the last word Remus jabbed his thumb over his shoulder, pointing to Lily.

"Eurgh, gross." She grimaced before slapping the giggling friend beside her.

Meanwhile Remus had poked his tongue out at James, unwrapped yet another lozenge and was clattering it along his teeth pointedly before he turned and resumed his studies. James sighed and slouched back in his chair. Beside him, blissfully unaware of anything that was going on in the outside world, sat a quietly daydreaming Sirius Black.

_So, we're in the dormitory this afternoon and Prongs and Wormtail are… well, who gives a fuck where they are? Point is, it's just me and him in close proximity to beds. He is reading a book. What else? His hair will have fallen into his eyes the way it does. As usual, that will drive me crazy and I'll just have to say something._

"_Moony, can I ask you a question?"_

"_You just did, but I'll give you a bonus one because that's how great I am." He'd answer quietly without even looking up._

"_It's about those throat thingies."_

_He'd slam his book shut and give me a warning look and my heart would beat faster. I'd almost falter but I'd see him push the hair out of his face with those divine hands of his, and I wouldn't be able to stop then._

"_Oh, I just wondered what they tasted like. Can I have one?"_

"_Sorry Pads, this is the last one." He'd poke his tongue out to demonstrate then he'd go back to his book. Gladly, I am like a dog with a bone. I'd stand and walk over to his bed and sit beside him._

"_Yes, padfoot?" That eyebrow again, God I love that eyebrow…_

"_I said I wanted to know what one tasted like."_

"_And I said there's only one left."_

"_One and none are somewhat different, aren't they Moons?" I'd maybe even lick my lips, perhaps his eyes would flicker down to look at them. _

"_What?"_

"_I want a taste. I have for so long, and we both know how impatient I can be." I'd say it hoping that I sounded seductive but fearing that I just sounded stupid but it would seem to work because he would stop and stare at me, leaning into me minutely._

"_You want me to take this out of my mouth so that you can have it?"_

" _I think I can see another way." I'd waggle my eyebrows at him then, I wouldn't be able to help myself and I would catch his gaze as I lean in towards his lips and when I caught them I would also catch my breath. Soft and wanting I would think his lips heaven until his tongue flicked hotly on my bottom lip. The heat of him and the sting of the eucalyptus would drive me to a dizzying madness. I know I would growl and if he were to growl back then the fire in my belly would spread to my head and my hands would begin a frantic searching. His thin hands would begin coursing over my body. Knowing Moony he would have my shirt off before I noticed, the only indication I would have would be him pinching my nipples. A delicious thrill would shoot through me, his laughter rougher and deeper than usual. I would look at him with heavy-lidded eyes._

"_Earth to Padfoot." He would say…. Wait what?_

"_Come in Padfoot. This is Moony speaking…."_

Sirius shook himself out of his daydream.

"Must've been good." Remus drawled.

"You have no idea." Sirius said rising awkwardly.

"I assume you'll share all of the sordid details whether I want to hear them or not…"

"What are you doing this afternoon?"

…

XD Hope you liked it!


	10. Serenade

Don't own. No profit. No sue.

This word was suggested by WWT. I hope she likes it!

Serenade.

_This, _Remus decided one night as he sat at the dinner table with his parents, _is the slowest, most boring holidays in the history of holidays. I know it's only been eight days and I'm being so impatient… Just like Sirius. I know that he's the reason that I'm so restless. I don't get to see him in the mornings or get to see the sleepiness in his beautiful eyes just before I shut my own at night. Why did I have to fall for him? Why did I finally realise that I had? Bloody buggering fuck. That stupid loveable git…And how am I going to tell my parents?_

While this inward monologue was going on Remus was outwardly pushing his food around his plate and staring distractedly at his untouched wine glass. His mother and father exchanged worried glances before his mother shook her dark, wavy hair nervously and cleared her throat a little to get her sons attention.

"Remus dear, is anything wrong?"

"Hmmmm? Oh, no Mum I'm fine. I'm just thinking."

"What about?" Her eyes glinted, "or is it who?"

Remus merely smiled gently in response.

"Well, I just don't want to be the last to know. Maybe before you send out wedding invitations you'll tell us about it."

"Not unless some laws change." He muttered quietly, but not quietly enough. He realised that his parents had heard him and stared at his parents. "Wow… that was not the way I meant to tell you."

Remus was somewhat surprised at his mother's reaction. She Smiled widely and pointed at her husband.

"Ha! I told you. Pay up."

Beneath Remus' shocked gaze his father removed a couple of coins from his pocket and placed them beside his mother's plate.

"You bet on my sexuality?" When his mother and father's response was simply nodding he continues, "That isn't exactly proper parental behaviour is it?"

"Remus, all we want is for you to be happy. If you find someone nothing else matters but your happiness… and why can't we have some fun with it as well?"

"Well, I like someone but I haven't told him."

"Don't do anything until you're ready, and always follow your heart." She kissed his head as she pried his plate away from him.

…

That night Remus felt as though a weight had been lifted. His parents knew his terrible secret and it turns out that it wasn't so terrible after all. He went to bed feeling better than he had in ages but his dreams did not match this feeling. His subconscious conjured images of long fingers prodding him. He ran and ran but he could hear heavy footfalls and cold laughter following him. He ran through light and shadows, his frenzy growing with each hurried step until he began to hear a dog barking. Soon the flickering settled down to a soft light and the unseen pursuers were gone. He found himself floating in a sea of ink, a grey sky above. All was calm as he fell into a deeper, dreamless sleep.

It continued that way for the next three nights. Remus' nightmares were interrupted by barking before they turned into strangely peaceful images in grey and black. He sat in the den pondering it one afternoon when he thought he heard the barking. _Great Lupin, you've finally lost it._ He returned to the book when he thought he heard it again. And again. And again.

It was definitely getting closer. _It's in the front yard._

Remus ran out to the hallway and wrenched open the front door. He saw a huge black dog bounding around his front yard, it saw him and wagged its tail gleefully and bowed its head to him.

"Padfoot!" Remus ran his hands through the black shaggy fur as the dog knocked him over. They wrestled and ran on the lawn for what seemed like forever until finally the dog took a flying leap at Remus, transforming back into Sirius as he flew through the air. He landed, laughing, on top of Remus.

"Missed you, Moony." The dark haired youth smiled from his position atop Remus.

"Me too. I thought I heard a dog barking in my dreams… wait. That was you, wasn't it?"

"Yep."

"But why?"

"It was Prongs' idea. I wanted to do something romantic for you, to tell you how I feel. I only think Prongs helped me because he was sick of my constant moping and apparently I said 'I wonder what Moony's doing 245 times on the third day of the holidays. He kept a tally. So he suggested I serenade you. I just changed the idea a bit. I figured you'd prefer Padfoots singing over mine."

"I'd prefer torture to your singing." Remus attempted a wry smile. The effect was quite ruined by his inability to control his joy. He ended up simply beaming at his friend.

"Is this the part where I kiss you?" Sirius asked earnestly.

"No." Remus replied as Sirius looked crestfallen, "This is clearly the part when the chorus line comes in." As Sirius chuckled at the joke Remus took the opportunity to sit up. He sat with Sirius in his lap. He smiled once more before he took Sirius' lips with his own. The kiss was slow and hot and a little awkward.

It was made only more awkward by the sound of his father declaring "I told you it'd be him."

"I'll get my purse." Replied his mother.

"Don't bother. I think I'll take my payment in sexual favours."

From the front lawn there were two voices.

"Dad! Seriously! That's disgusting!"

"I always knew I liked your Dad."


	11. Moss

Moss

_Running! Wind in my ears! Outside is great! Smell something… see something… A BUG! Chasing the bug. Gotta get that bug. Get him! Get him! Haha. Bugbugbugbugbug! Very important, the capture of the bug. Bug. Bu- OOOOOHHHH. What's that? Is it? IT IS!_

The large black dog suddenly changed tack, turning away from the terrified beetle and heading for a mossy patch of green on the ground at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. He threw himself down and rolled energetically.

_Oh yes, this stuff! Fantastic! It's so soft and fun and squishy. Dirt and dew and ohhhh wonderful!_

He was on his back, growling happily to himself. His legs waved in the air as his tongue lolled happily and his eyelids fell back creating that manic wide-eyed stare that dogs only get when they are completely content.

_I love it, I love it, I love it! Rolling in this is better than fetch! It's better than chasing cats because you don't get that terrible cat smell caught in your nostrils._

A thin boy strolled up to the edge of the forest, his hands in the pockets of his coat. His blonde hair fell into his eyes as he watched the dog rolling on the ground. He stayed there a while quietly chuckling before he spoke.

"Very dignified."

The dog stopped mid-roll and looked back at the boy with its best admonishing expression.

"Don't look at me like that! You should see yourself. Imagine what your mother would say if she could see you now."

The dog growled in response.

"Point taken."

The youth smiled and began strolling along the edge of the forest. The dog watched him go and sighed before it followed him.

"I'm a little concerned about the potions essay due on Wednesday," the boy sighed, "I know the answers but when it comes to potions I get so nervous."

The dog made an exaggerated whine.

"That explosion was not my fault! Why put the safety instructions AFTER the method? I am in no way responsible for that," he looked at the dog who seemed to regard him sceptically, "And don't even mention that failed Draught of the Living Dead… It was a Monday and there was no tea at breakfast and it's a stupid bloody potion anyway."

A few yards away, enjoying the afternoon sun, sat two students.

"Is that that Lupin bloke over there?" The first asked.

"Yeah, I think so." The second agreed lazily.

"Is he talking to that dog like it's a human being? And about schoolwork?"

The second regarded the progression of the boy and dog seriously.

"I do believe he is." He finally agreed.

"Told you he was a weirdo."


	12. Suave

Please don't sue me, I'm making no money off this at all… NONE.

Word suggested by HPJellicleCat. I hope she likes this. I will admit that I started it with NO PLAN of where it was going. And it's very short :S

Suave.

"Suave, Adjective, (Especially of a man) Displaying smoothness and sophistication in manner or attitude; urbane." He read in his best Dictionary-definition-reading voice.

"She's right, that doesn't sound like you." Sirius sighed regretfully.

James Potter slammed the dictionary down with a loud thud.

"Buggering fuck." He muttered.

"Is there any specific reason that you're bludgeoning that poor desk with an unfortunate and presumably unwilling book?" A soft voice drawled from behind the two boys.

"Yes. Yes there is. I'm not suave." James said the final word with a small, annoyed head shake.

"And that would be the books fault how?" Remus enquired.

"It was the bearer of bad news, Moony." Sirius helpfully answered when it became apparent that James was too busy kicking a nearby bookshelf to answer.

"I see. Where does this sudden burning desire to be suave spring from?"

"Evans said she thought that the sexiest men are suave, which is why she isn't attracted to Jamie. James, however, wants her to think he's sexy, I still don't fully understand why, but he's keen as mustard and I think a little distraught at his clear lack of urbanity."

"I'm afraid you've either got it or you don't…"

"Are you implying, Moony, that you've _got it_?" James asked peevishly.

"You have to admit James he kinda does…" Sirius interjected. James shrugged in annoyed agreement.

"I wasn't actually but thank you Sirius."

"Perhaps what she really wants from you isn't that you be suave but merely to not be boorish."

"I am not boorish!" James snorted indignantly.

"Yesterday you told her 'That shirt is very becoming on you.'"

"Girls like compliments." James defended.

"They do. Sadly you continued on to say 'and if I were on you I'd be coming too."

"You might have a point." James conceded.

"If she thinks you want her for more than her body then you might find her to a little more responsive."

"It'd be hard for her get less responsive. Although I suppose hexing you to speak in falsetto for a month is some sort of response."

"Not helpful Sirius." Remus shot Sirius a warning look.

"Sorry, Moony." Sirius grinned sheepishly.

"Also you may want to refer to her as Lily rather than Evans, Lily-flower, Toots, Love or The-Lucky-Future-Mrs-Potter-And-Mother-Of-My-Billions-Of-Children… That last one even creeps me out. And whatever you do don't ever, EVER, write a poem about her."

Sirius laughed loudly.

"You promised you'd never talk of that again!"

"I'm sorry, it had to be said."

…

It was a slow and sometimes rocky road but in the hours, days, weeks and years following the above conversation James Potter did indeed become less boorish. While he had the occasional slip-up every now and again (The Great Panty Raid of 1976 being a big one) he ended up with the girl of his dreams and if you had asked her, out of earshot of him of course, if he was suave she'd have told you 'He's better than suave. He's James Potter and he's mine.'"

…

Review?


	13. it's a secret

The newest chapter - I won't give you the words until the end, I feel it will make this a little better :D But I will say that I hope YamiShiningFriendship likes this.

"It's perfect!"

"Is it?"

"Of course it is! It's beyond excellent! It's FANTASTIC! They'll love it."

"Will they?"

"They will! They'll wonder how they ever got by without one. I know I am."

"Will they?"

Sirius looked at Remus as though he were mad.

"Are you not _seeing _this Moony? It's brilliant."

"Is it?"

"Yes it is! It's-"

"_What_ is it?"

Sirius paused and looked down at the object in his hand.

"Well… I-It's purple."

"Clearly. What does it do?" Remus crossed his arms and leaned gently against the wall, a smug smile on his face.

"Umm…" Sirius' eyebrows knitted together, his mouth hung open a little.

"I thought as much."

"Hang on, Moony. I'll get it."

Remus merely made a non-committal 'mmm'ing sound in the back of his throat and kept on smirking.

"It's dead useful."

"In what context is it useful?"

"Well, obviously you use it in the…" his voice trailed off as he looked around for a clue, above his head he found a sign that read 'KITCHEN WARE', "You use it in the kitchen!" he finished triumphantly.

"Lovely deduction, Pads."

"Thank you." He ignored Remus' sarcasm. Remus, for his part, merely nodded serenely and waited for Sirius to continue.

"I think that it probably isn't used for drying dishes."

"And they say that you're just a pretty face."

"I assume it's used in cooking. Probably." He declared at last.

"Indeed?"

Sirius went back to staring at it reverently for a bit.

"Why,' Remus interjected, "would Lily and James absolutely _need_ this particular possibly cooking-related, definitely purple, non-dish-drying thing more than they'd need that settee that they _told _us to get for them?"

"A settee? A bloody settee? Settees are so _boring_. They're hardly ever purple and never plastic."

"Your argument is as convincing as it is sane." Remus concluded.

"You know, I'm finding it more and more difficult to ignore your sarcasm, Moons."

"Really? How terrible for you."

"You're a bastard."

"You still haven't sold me on that thing."

"How is that even possible? How have you resisted the lure of Larry Lurex?"

"Larry Lurex?" Remus asked beneath a raised eyebrow.

"It's his name."

"Dear Merlin, you've named it."

"It! 'It' Moony? How can you talk about our child that way?"

"Our child? I should have known better than to let you have ice cream before we came shopping."

"Larry's favourite is vanilla with sprinkles."

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose, "Just put the spatula in the trolley so that I can get the fuck out of here."

"SPATULA? Is that what Larry is? That's one of the best words I have ever heard EVER!" just as he finished the sentence Sirius caught sight of a silver thing to Remus' left. He reached out for it with one hand and dropped Larry into the trolley with the other.

"What is _this_?"

"Padfoot, if I promise to buy Larry a little brother or sister can we please go and buy James and Lily a housewarming present?"

"Of course, Moony, I was thinking that they might like a settee. You know, one like that picture they showed us and said 'this is what we want, don't let Sirius get something else. This _exact one_, no variations on the colour or pattern.' You remember."

"Wow. And here I was thinking we were going to get them a nice goat."

Too late, Remus realised his mistake.

"A goat?" Sirius beamed, "Goats are FABULOUS."

…

In case anyone was wondering the words were 'purple' and 'spatula'. I hope everyone enjoyed an insight into what the average shopping trip in my family is like and in case any one's wondering Larry Lurex was, allegedly, a name Freddie Mercury recorded a couple of albums under.


	14. Awkward

Awkward.

A fic for CajunSpice714. I hope you like it.

Not mine, even the amusing anecdote set at the train station isn't mine. (I stole it from the wonderful, sadly deceased Douglas Adams.)

Being British Remus Lupin believed that being a little bit socially awkward was not only required but there was probably a law about it. Nervous laughter, slightly stumbling sentences, a tendency to ignore the bad behaviour of others to avoid an altercation. Not to mention his total dependence on tea – after all, an Englishman couldn't have an emotion without it.

Yes, indeed, Remus Lupin was awkward. He would have told you so himself and almost everyone else would agree with him.

Almost everyone.

As usual, the exception to the rule was one Sirius Orion Black. He would have described Remus as refined, graceful, gentle and sexy.

Mostly sexy.

Sirius would say that it was Remus' laughter that had led him to realise that he was in love with the other boy:

It had been an absolutely rotten day in second year, he had woken up too late to get any bacon or tea at breakfast but exactly in time to receive another Howler from his mother. Then McGonnagal had caught him trying to slip Proffessor Slughorn a biting teacup and had given him a detention and confiscated all of his dungbombs. Divination had begun with the professor pointing and shrieking at him before he murmured something barmy about the grim and fainted dead away. (This would have been great had McGonnagal not decided that it was somehow Sirius' fault and given him another detention.) In potions, in retaliation for the teacup, Slughorn had him partner with the girl from Hufflepuff with the personal hygiene problem. Because of this little fact Sirius failed to detect his potion emitting a noxious gas until the students at the next table passed out. Again McGonnagal decided it was somehow his fault, only this time she banned him from the next school Quidditch match. To say that Sirius had lost the will to live by the lunchtime was an understatement.

Then they served tripe.

Ashen-faced Sirius had slowly placed his knife and fork on the table and rose slowly. He looked, unsmiling, at his friends.

"That's bloody it! I'm going up to the dorm and I'm not coming down until tomorrow. I've had enough of today. I officially forfeit the rest of it."

The marauders could do nothing more than watch silently as he stormed out of the great hall.

In the dormitory he sat on Remus' bed, beside the window and set about creating a nice, solid hate. A hate for today, for the moon that set last night and the sun that rose this morning and started the whole fucking thing, a hate for stone castles and house elves and disgusting, boiled cows stomachs. A deep hatred for students who ate bacon at breakfast, for stupid fluttery owls and whoever it was that invented Howlers. A hate for his mother and girls who didn't know what soap was for and people who didn't appreciate a good biting teacup and bloody Mc-

A soft laugh drifted from the grounds and interrupted Sirius' train of thought. He didn't need to look to know that it was Remus, but he looked anyway and saw James spreadeagled on the ground and Remus trying to help him up.

It annoyed Sirius that Remus had interrupted his hate-session. He knew that Remus hadn't done it on purpose but he was so mad that he didn't care. He decided that he would hate Remus, if just for a little while. He sat for quite a few minutes, thinking of the thin boy but he found that he just couldn't do it. Hating Remus was impossible. This kind of thing had never happened before. Hatred had been bred into him, but as he sat on those crimson sheets beside the window Sirius discovered a feeling he had never had before.

Sirius also found Remus' slightly stumbling words endearing. He found the lisp the lycanthrope got when he was tired insanely sexy and absolutely adored the stutter that came when Remus was telling a dirty joke. Sirius also loved the _way _that Remus spoke. The movement of his mouth, the flashes of teeth and tongue that sometimes led to unspeakable thoughts and sudden detours to secluded lavatories.

If you asked him Sirius would have said that Remus' reluctance to get into any altercation merely proved that he was not the monster he was often accused of being. It could also lead to hilarious situations:

One week before his seventeenth birthday and the day he could take his apparition test Remus was waiting at the train station for a train to London to visit Sirius. He had stopped at the café for a newspaper and had treated himself to a packet of biscuits. He had sat down at a small table and began reading the muggle paper. It was busy, so soon he was joined by a man in a business suit. The man nodded politely and looked at his watch before he reached over and opened the packet of biscuits on the table and ate one. Remus watched on in mute horror before he took a biscuit for himself. The other man said nothing so neither did Remus. Not a single word was uttered when the man took another biscuit or when Remus took his second. In silence the two ate the biscuits this way until, when the packet was empty, the man stood and walked away. Remus was in total disbelief the nerve of that man. That is, he was until his own train was announced and he picked up his paper to discover that the biscuits that he had purchased had been underneath it the whole time.

As for the tea, Sirius would think quietly to himself, it made Remus happy. From the first tentative sip, through the quiet and gentle ritual of drinking it until he finally sat back content in his chair happy, relaxed and eyeing his teacup Remus was a study in contentment. This in turn made Sirius happy. Remus was so many things to Sirius. He was laughter and grace and beauty and perfection.

But of course, being an awkward Englishman himself, he wasn't going to tell Remus any of it. Not today anyway.

…

:P


	15. Ajar

Ajar

For xNomii.

Not mine. Don't sue!

…

Sometimes doors don't quite shut all the way. Sometimes this means that you learn a juicy piece of gossip about Freddie MacDonald and that butch bird from Slytherin. Sometimes it means the difference between a successful prank and a month's detention.

Once, for Sirius Black, it meant a revelation.

It began, as these things often do, like any other morning. Peter and James had gotten out of bed and dressed and left for breakfast by the time Sirius left the bathroom. As he exited Remus entered bidding him a sleepy good morning before he swung the door shut. Sirius searched through his trunk for the appropriate attire.

"Moony, what day is it?"

"Are you kidding me?" Remus' voice echoed.

"No. I can't remember for the life of me and if it's Saturday then I'd look a right prick in my school robes wouldn't I?"

"How do you know I'll tell you the truth?" Remus was waking up and getting mischievous. Sirius walked to the side of his bed and looked at the door.

"Because…" Sirius' voice trailed off as he realised that the door was ajar and through it he could see Remus. Naked Remus. Naked Remus in the shower. Naked. Remus had his back to him, the water coursing down the lean muscle, trickling over his buttocks forming rivulets along the scars and scratches. Remus turned, his head down, and Sirius thought he might have stopped breathing. Remus' long hands lathered the soap on his firm stomach and Sirius realised that not only was he watching his best mate in the shower, he was enjoying it, and he also knew that if he didn't finish his sentence said best mate would look up and catch him.

"You wouldn't do that to me Moony, James maybe, but not me." It was a typical sentence, certainly not the first time he had said it, but suddenly to Sirius it took on a new significance.

"It's Saturday Padfoot." Remus finally answered as the noise of the water stopped. Sirius moved back to his trunk, sniffing his t-shirts to ensure he picked a clean-ish one. Outwardly this was normal behaviour. Remus even shook his head at it when he walked past to get dressed but inwardly Sirius' mind was racing. _What the fuck was that?_ He thought to himself. _You know what that was, you've known forever._ He answered himself. In the next few days he tried to push the thought of Remus in the shower, running his hands over his slick, wet body, but somehow he couldn't. He remembered it halfway through his morning tea the day after and only managed to explain why he nearly choked to death by telling James that Snape had got him with a stinging hex. In the ensuing retaliation he forgot again. Until potions when Remus reached in front of him with those same hands. In fact the further away from the event Sirus got the harder it got to forget what he saw.

And how it made him feel.

Being Sirius he eventually decided that he couldn't just forget it. Instead he planned a ridiculous, daring and suitably subtle plan to get Remus to feel the same way about him.

Sometimes doors don't quite shut all the way. Sometimes this means hearing something you're not supposed to. Sometimes it means finding out something you need to know.

Once, for Remus Lupin, it meant a seduction.

One morning Sirius was a little slow in getting to the shower. James and Peter had left for breakfast ages ago and Remus was waiting patiently for Sirius to get out of the bloody shower so that he could get in and get cleaned and get down to breakfast. He finally sighed and strode over to the door.

The door was ajar.

Remus stopped, he stared open-mouthed at the sight of Sirius in the shower. Unlike Sirius a few weeks before Remus already knew he had a crush on his best friend. He stood helpless, unable to move. Not wanting to move. His greedy eyes flickered up and down Sirius' body as his feet remained like stone. Sirius looked up and made eye contact with the werewolf. Remus was shocked to see a coy smile spread across Sirius' face.

"See anything you like?" Sirius asked playfully, biting his lip. Remus wanted to groan at the inanity of the question, he was too busy groaning at the fire that swept through his body.

"You missed a spot." He managed to say finally.

"Where?" Sirius asked. Finally Remus' feet worked, they brought him right up to Sirius and into the shower with him.

"Right there." He brushed an index finger across Sirius' hip bone.

Sometimes doors don't quite shut all the way. Sometimes this means the difference between a dalliance and divorce. Sometimes it means a missed opportunity.

Once, for James Potter and Peter Pettigrew, it meant a little too much information.

They had trudged up the stairs wondering where Remus and Sirius had got to. James was a few paces ahead of Peter. When Pete entered the dorm James was standing, silently staring into the bathroom. James made a small shushing gesture before he waved his friend over. Peter crept warily to stand beside him and looked at what had gotten James' attention. Within seconds they were headed out of the dorm.

"Why did you beckon me over to see _that_?" Peter hissed at James.

"That was one mental image I wasn't suffering alone."

"Thank, James, thanks a lot."

…

Yay! Fics!


	16. Exquisite

Exquisite.

For HPJellicleCat.

Please don't sue me. I don't have a big hat (it'll make sense once you read the fic) but I do have a small dog. His name is Padfoot, but he doesn't get carried around in a handbag.

…

Certain words carried with them connotations, reminders of people and places both real and imagined. Other, very special words, instead seemed to say more about the speaker themselves.

Remus always thought that 'exquisite' was one of these special words. To him it seemed that only snooty ladies with big hats and small dogs (that they carried around in handbags) ever said it. Usually about bad art and usually to their butler.

That is, he did, until the day Sirius used it. From then on it reminded him of something else entirely.

They had been sitting in the dormitory taking a break from studying for their NEWTS. Sirius was leaning on his side, propped up with one hand and playing with a loose thread from the bedspread with the other. Remus was lying on his back flicking through a magazine. Sirius had been staring at him for some time, and Remus had been ignoring him. When the sighing began Remus spoke.

"What's the matter, Padfoot?"

"I was just thinking."

"Nice change."

"Shut up, you berk. It was something nice."

"Was it?"

"Yes. I was wondering what word I would use to describe you."

"Come again?"

"If I had to sum you up in a word, I wondered what it would be. I've already considered a few."

Remus had to admit his interest was piqued, so he threw aside the magazine and fixed his eyes on Sirius.

"Go on."

"Intelligent was the first one I thought of, but it's too one-dimensional. You are so smart, but there's more to you than that. Then I thought perhaps beautiful was the right word but apart from it being as one-dimensional as intelligent, it's also not sufficient to describe your looks. I considered daring, wonderful, brilliant, misunderstood, fabulous, magnificent, magical, and inspiring. But while they all describe you, they don't sum you up."

"You think I'm all of those things?"

"Of course I do."

"Really?"

"I should, considering I'm in love with you." Sirius said it so simply that Remus thought he was hearing things. He would have asked Sirius to repeat himself had the other boy not kissed him. He felt as though his toes had gone numb and it was probably just as well, because the feel of Sirius' lips on his was divine, he wanted to savour it, to remember it and keep it for always but too soon it was over. Sirius had whooped and pulled away.

"I've got it!"

"You do?" Remus couldn't help but sound peevish.

"Yeah. You, Remus John Lupin, are _exquisite_. Then Sirius kissed him again. Long and slow and lazy.

…

Hope it was okay!


	17. Pickle

Disclaimer - Is. Not. Mine! Well, the rant at the beginning _sounds_ like me, but the rest not mine.

Suggested by Xnomii a billion years ago.

Pickle a Fiction in Three Parts.

Part I- Pickle

"Eurgh. Merlin, I feel bloody awful. It's as if leprosy and syphilis made an evil plague-baby and unleashed it upon a poor, unfortunate, unsuspecting, innocent me… I'm pretty sure I'm dying."

"Made your will up then, Moony?" Sirius asked, amused by Remus' flu-rant.

"Don't be a berk. I'm not in the mood. I feel like shit. Besides, I don't own anything worth leaving to anyone."

"I dunno, if it came down to it I'd like your gobstones."

Remus gave Sirius a withering look. Well, any other day it would have been a withering look but due to the alarming amount of fluids leaking out of Remus' face it had somehow lost its power. Sirius laughed.

"Padfoot, between you and Peter I'm half wishing I would die just to be rid of you."

"Peter?" Sirius looked around the dormitory, "Pete? He's not been up here all day. You know how he is about germs."

"Pickles."

"What?"

"Peter's pickles. You know how he eats them at night time."

"Yes, it's disgusting."

"Well, my nose is telling me that he has left one in here and it's making me feel worse."

"How can you still? Never mind. Now I see why you're so cranky."

"I'm not bloody cranky!"

"No, you've been sweetness and light all day. To think I graciously skived off classes to look after you."

"That was for my benefit? Oh, great and noble sir, your kindness is only bested by your-"

"Good looks?" Sirius countered.

"Ability to annoy the dying." Remus then ended the conversation by groaning and pulling his pillow over his head with a slight thud.

"Shall I find the offending ex-vegetable?" Sirius asked the crimson tantrum before him. Remus answered with a muffled noise. It sounded a lot like 'fuck off' but Sirius took it as a 'yes please, you gorgeous creature.' He busied himself around Peter's bed. It was rather distressing sharing a dorm with Pete. He was ridiculously messy, he snored as though he really meant it and he had rather strange nocturnal noshing activities. But in saying that Peter was heaps of fun to hang with and he was much smarter than he gave himself credit for. Sirius and he really got along, most people would have said that he and James were like brothers and they were right, they just didn't understand that the same was true of Peter. He assumed people couldn't see it because they were so different, but the pudgy blonde boy with the nervous smile was as much a brother to him as James. Remus, on the other hand, was not. Remus was brilliance and beauty and humility and perfection rolled into one thin, insecure and irresistible package. Sirius had realised some time ago how he felt about the boy. To say he freaked out would be an understatement, but now all he could do was follow the other boy around like a puppy and hang on his every word. Remus had been right, his decision to stay with him today had been a selfish one, not because he didn't want to go to class, but because he wanted to stay with Remus. He thought about these things as he searched for the offending green foodstuff.

After about twenty minutes Remus was telling him to shut the hell up and Sirius was telling Remus that he was merely trying to help so Remus was perfectly welcome to do something physically impossible with his previous comment. Sirius then turned into Padfoot and Remus went back to 'dying.' (read, sulking.) As Padfoot it took Sirius a few minutes to locate the pickle. It was inside a sock, inside a hollow book, inside a small case inside a bag inside a chest and hidden at the bottom of Pete's dirty laundry. Well, he was a rat after all. Sirius held the half-eaten pickle aloft with a cry of triumph.

"Get the bloody thing out of here then!" Remus bellowed.

"Sorry Moons." Sirius vanished the pickle with a quiet spell. He sniffed his hands cautiously and recoiled. He washed them in the bathroom and came to sit again with Remus. Remus lay with his back to Sirius.

"Moony?"

"mmmm?"

"Look, I've been waiting for a while to say this to you, and I though since I just saved you from a pickle worse than death you might be more amenable to the idea of…. Well, an 'us'. I, uh, I think you're wonderful in a squirmy-stomach, fluttery-eyelashes, absolute-girl kind of way and I was hoping that you might-"

Sirius was interrupted by a loud snore from Remus. He smiled a sad little smile and rose slowly to ensure that Remus was covered with his blanket.

…..

Part II- Pickled.

The last few hours pulled insistently on the back of Sirius' brain while the front of his brain floated about merrily on the last bottle of booze he had drank. His eyes brought everything into sharp relief but at the same time he found it hard to focus. For the record, he wasn't absolutely drunk, but he was on his way. He and Remus were having a rambling discussion about life-changing topics, they had discussed at length the meaning of life and some vague ideas about death and the possibilities of an afterlife. A few minutes ago Pete and James had stumbled off to get food or more booze or a wonderful combination of both and now Sirius found himself staring slightly longingly at Remus who was in turn setting the rug on fire and putting it out and giggling quietly to himself.

"You're good at that." Sirius slurred at Remus.

"What? What? What did you say, Padfoot?" Remus asked slightly too loudly.

"I said, you're good at that." He repeated as he moved closer to the golden haired boy.

"At what?"

"Setting fires."

"I am?" Remus suddenly realised that Sirius was close, and getting closer.

"Yeah. You set one here and …" Sirius stopped talking and leant in closer to kiss Remus. Only he didn't get there. He passed out gracefully in the other boys lap instead.

Above him Remus made a small kiss in the air.

…

Part III- In a Pickle.

On an otherwise quiet afternoon, on the edge of the forbidden forest could be found two boys. Both were caught in a Snare plant. One was vocalising his belief that it was all the other's fault. The second was lost in his own thoughts.

_That's just fucking great_ Sirius thought to himself _Stupid Snare plant and stupid Moony for blaming me. It was only my plan and I was the one that tripped but I didn't ask him to help me… Now it's apparently all my fault. Now he's yelling at me and he looks so cute when he's angry. I'm never going to get to that picnic in the forest if he doesn't bloody shut up soon._

"So irresponsible! Sometimes, Sirius I think you are just a misbehaving mutt…"

_Oh, Merlin! He's started on the dog thing. then he'll recount every single thing that I've ever done that was silly and we'll be here until we're eighty. How the hell do I shut him up?_

"Are you even listening to me? You're not, are you? Sirius Black, you leave me no choice!"

Just as Sirius was thinking that a good way to bring Remus' tirade to an end would be to kiss him, he found he was being kissed. As the vines around them loosened Sirius felt Remus' arms tightening around him as the werewolf tasted him frantically. The feeling of Remus' lips on his, the hands running over his body and the hammering of a heart (his or Remus'?) was overwhelming. Finally as the Snare plant receded totally Remus broke the kiss and looked down at Sirius.

"Just… Just think things through next time, okay."

"M'kay."

"Do you realise that you are blushing?"

"Huh?"

Remus shook his head and kissed him again.

…

Sorry it's taken me so long to update, but I too had the plague and am finally on the right side of dead (yay me!)


	18. Rectify

Rectify.

For gngrlvr1 who also laughs at this word. (I can't say how relieved I was to discover I wasn't the only one.) Hope you like it.

Knee-deep in a putrid mixture of orange goo and maroon horridness Remus wondered quietly to himself just what he could do to rectify this particular situation. To be honest he should have known all along that it would end up like this. He also knew that the next time one of the Neanderthals he called his friends came to him with a stupid plan it would end up just the same. That was his problem, he decided as the mess swirled around his thighs, he was an enabler. He knew their behaviour was ridiculous and potentially dangerous but he encouraged them all the same. Well, by encourage he meant 'didn't actively discourage'.

Take this morning for instance. He knew they were being altogether too bloody quiet but he had convinced himself that they were studying. _Right, and pigs can fly_. He just wanted to read his book. He should have known it was hopeless when he heard a small 'EUREKA' from James but he ignored that too. He totally discounted the giggling, the hands illustrating things in the air and any words that sounded like they rhymed with Blytherin. It was when they came to him with the plan 'Operation Yellow Housekey' that he knew his hopes were dashed, but he still shouldn't have greeted their plan to enchant the armour on the third floor to threaten anyone with a Slytherin tie on with a breezy "While you're at it why don't we just go ahead and turn the entire second floor into a swamp." The bright eyes and blinding smiles told him that he should have just kept his bloody mouth shut. The stupid gits either didn't understand or totally ignored sarcasm.

Now look where he was.

He still wasn't sure what had gone wrong but the fact that the mess was up around his waist and appeared to have an undertow was decidedly worrying. Not only that, but he couldn't help but notice that he was the only one waist-deep in disgusting colourful ooze. _Stupid gits_. They were probably in the dormitory now giggling like loons while he drowned in a failed prank. He wondered if perhaps he should haunt those idiots for the rest of their hopefully short lives. A hand reached down from above and grabbed the collar of his shirt, above him Sirius was hanging upside down from his broom. The broom rose gently and Remus was freed from the sludgy nightmare with an almost criminal ease.

"Right there, Moony?"

"I hate you and your stupid ideas and your stupid inability to understand sarcasm and your even stupider face." Remus answered, his arms folded as he dangled comically from Sirius' grasp.

"Talk like that could make a bloke lose his grip."

"Go ahead, drop me. I'll drown and haunt your miserable arse for eternity."

"That's funny Moons, usually my arse haunts people, out of sheer magnificence."

"It is impressive,' Remus began as Sirius beamed, "Especially the way you wear it on your shoulders." Sirius' face fell.

"Last time I rescue you, you ingrate."


	19. Doodle

Suggested by Miss MP. Also - not mine, no sue.

Doodle.

_Mr Pettigrew appears to be asleep and Mr Potter is doodling in class again,_ thought Minerva McGonagall as she surveyed her sixth year transfiguration class. _It must be a Friday afternoon_ she mused as she made a mental note not to actually look at whatever it was James was drawing._ That boy knows entirely too much about human anatomy and possesses an… active imagination_. She had blushed last time. _Damned if it'll happen again_. Finally her gaze fell on Sirius Black. He was usually laughing quietly and whispering 'improvements' to James' picture, or trying to charm small pieces of lint to zoom across the room and wake Peter up. Today he was a picture of attentiveness, his back straight, his face a study of concentration. Sadly, he wasn't looking at her. Sirius Black was paying rapt, undivided attention to Remus Lupin, who hadn't noticed because he was paying close attention to the lesson. _Well, that's new_. A small smile flickered across her face. Then she remembered. _Damn it all! Flitwick was right! I've lost ten galleons on that bloody bet._

"Mr Lupin, Mr Black. Detention."

Remus looked up in horror, McGonagall looked livid.

"What?"

"You heard me. I want you two here tonight at half-six."

"Why?"

"Don't play those games with me, Mr Lupin. Your mock-innocence won't work today. Not a word from you either Mr Black." She concluded as Sirius started to talk. Sirius and Remus could do nothing but look at each other in confusion while James withheld a snicker and Peter snored quietly.

…

"I just don't understand it." Remus declared for the seventeenth time as he pushed his mashed potatoes around his plate.

"She's finally cracked." James replied sagely.

"Old bird's just mad for my arse, Moons."

"Sirius, not everyone is mad for your arse, I'm sorry but it's true. Besides why would that get me a detention?"

"So that nobody suspects." Sirius tapped the side of his nose.

"I'm beginning to suspect." Peter piped up.

"See!" Sirius smiled.

"I'm beginning to suspect that Pads is the one who wants McGonagall, nit the other way around."

Sirius' response was a well-aimed Brussels sprout that hit Pete right between the eyes.

"Methinks thou doth protest too much." Remus laughed.

…

An hour later half of the Marauders found themselves in the trophy room polishing tarnished artifacts going back centuries.

"You know, I would have thought that between the four of us we would have polished every piece of polishable-stuff in the entire bloody castle." Sirius grumbled.

"I suspect that there is such a thing as a tarnishing charm."

"These teachers are diabolical." Sirius couldn't keep the admiration out of his tone.

"Tell me about it."

"I mean she gave us detention for no bloody reason. All you were doing was taking notes for the exams…"

"What were you doing?" Remus raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Nothing!"

"You had to be doing _something_."

"I was just sitting in class."

"You weren't passing notes to James or setting things on fire or passing notes to James about setting things on fire?"

"No!"

"Then what were you doing?"

"Um… paying attention."

"To what? Not the lesson I bet. What was it? She might think we were up to something."

"Why do you not trust me?" Sirius' last ditch attempt to avoid the subject sounded peevish and fearful.

"Why won't you answer me?"

Sirius looked to the roof as though someone up there might help him. Then he took a resigned breath and when he finally spoke his voice was quiet and shaky.

"I was watching you."

"Why?" Remus couldn't tell why this piece of information would vex Sirius so.

"I just… watch you, y'know."

"Why, was there food on my face?"

Sirius rolled his eyes and sighed again.

"Merlin, you're bloody dense sometimes. I watch you. Like Pete watches dessert trays. Like James watches Lily."

Remus looked as though someone had hit him repeatedly with something rather heavy.

"I didn't want to tell you, not ever, but you wouldn't leave it alone, would you?"

"You. Like. Me."

"No. I love you, you stupid fucker."

Oh." Remus was distracted.

"Do you hate me?" The tension evident by the deep line between his eyebrows and the genuinely worried pout of his mouth.

Remus couldn't help the grin that spread itself across his face.

"I'm pretty sure I don't. Actually I think it's quite the opposite." Remus kissed Sirius slowly and intently until the fearful look was gone.

"How, in all this time of looking, did we not catch each other?" Remus smiled.

Outside the door, watching with a small grin, stood Minerva McGonagall, a woman who really knew how to lose ten galleons. She would have enjoyed her anti-victory a little longer but the two boys seemed to be undressing each other with an alarming speed.

…

I am working on the 36 others I have been given. Hang in there I intend to write a fic for all of them! S.M x


	20. Window

Suggested by ByeByeBirdy.

Not mine. Don't Sue.

Window.

Breaking and entering had seemed like a good idea about an hour ago. But an hour ago there had been four of them each with a belly full of Ogden's finest. Now there were two of them and the bars before them meant they were sobering up quickly.

"Trust the bloody fuzz to ruin everything." Sirius mused quietly.

ONE HOUR EARLIER-

"Whassat? Whassat over there?" Sirius pointed.

"S'awinnow.' James answered as Pete and Remus broke into the 178th verse of every wizard's favourite drinking song.

"Wha?"

"It's a window you drunken-n lout."

"If there's a window, it stands to reason there's a house."

"What about it Pads?"

"Lets,' he stopped to giggle quietly to himself, 'let's break in and move all of the cutlery into the medicine cabinet and all of the bathroom junk into the kitchen drawers!"

James laughed a small laugh and staggered over to the other two marauders to let them know of the plan. Remus laughed back, Pete giggled and fell onto a garden gnome.

"Oh, fuck! My arse!" He cried as he hung onto his left cheek like it might fall off.

"Lucky it's a Muggle gnome, or you would have been shivved too!" Remus cried in a falsetto of drunken glee.

"Sssshhhhhhhhhh!" Sirius hissed as he motioned elaborately towards the window.

"Breaking a window requires great sophisticatedliness," He began in an imperious slur, "So, I'd better do it" With that he raised a rock and smashed the glass. The police showed up just as Remus was untangling himself from the curtain and Sirius was giggling with delight at how ugly a lady in a nearby photo frame was. "Look at it! It's like she put in EFFORT to look that bad!" All four boys tried to leg it, but when four boys become two boys and a stag and a rat… that changes things slightly. The larger of the policemen crash-tackled Sirius to the ground, while the other policeman merely picked Remus up off the ground when he fell out of the tree he had been hiding in.

…

"Bastards! Transforming like that."

"Oh, shut it Pads. You're just annoyed you didn't think of it too."

Sirius looked as though he was going to protest, but in the end he looked at Remus and said "Well, I had had a lot to drink."

"I did think they were pretty brazen coming back and watching them put us in the back of the police cars, though. But I suppose it wouldn't occur to Muggle police that a stag with a hiccoughing rat in its antlers is anything to worry about."

"I think I'll tell my mother that I not only got arrested, by muggles, but that I was violated in the showers when I went to pick up the soap… and I loved every minute of it."

"You are a strange mutt, Sirius Black."

"I know."

"When do you think we'll get out of here?"

"I dunno."

"How about now?" Remus asked as he brandished his wand. Before Sirius was quite sure what was going on a police constable was at the bars. He had the glazed look of a man under a confundus charm.

"I am terribly sorry, your highness,' he directed at Remus, 'If we had known who you were, we would have recognised the harmless prank for what it was." He opened the door, bowing a little to the werewolf.

"Your highness?"

"Indeed." Remus smiled serenely as he walked past the policeman.

"Are you coming, peasant?" Remus asked, smiling.

"Alright, alright. Don't get your knickers in a twist." Sirius said peevishly.

They walked arm in arm out of the station. James and Pete were waiting out the front.

"How did you get out then?"

"Moons arranged a royal pardon."

…

Hope you like it. Any instance of drunken behaviour is entirely accidental. The line from Drop Dead Fred was not ;D


	21. Spoon

Suggested by ImSiriuslyLupin4You.

Not mine. No profit. Don't sue. x

Spoon.

…

The early morning light filtered through the lace curtains Lily had insisted they put up. Quietly the room filled with the daytime as the melody of sleep reached his ears. Their feet were absurdly intertwined but Remus couldn't help but marvel at how wonderful it was. The long hair was tickling his nose, so he reached out a sleepy hand to move it and ended up merely stroking it, running it through his fingers as he drank in the smell of rain and cinnamon and dog that it brought. He reached the hand over the other man now, his thin body pressing into the slightly shorter one in front of him as his hand came to rest on the smooth, hard stomach. He loved waking up like this. Not that the laughably small bed they owned meant they could sleep any other way, but it was still nice in the early morning to spend a few minutes watching Sirius sleep. Remus sighed a long, contented sigh and buried his face into the smooth back before him.

"Fucking hell, your nose is cold!" Sirius grumbled sleepily.

"My nose is a perfectly respectable temperature, thank you very much, it's your back that's inconveniently hot." Remus countered. Sirius merely began grouching with sleepy mumbles and the odd curse. Remus placated him by moving his hand a little lower so that it was gently caressing Sirius' hip.

"That shut you up. You sex fiend, you." Remus purred as Sirius' tirade tapered off.

"People in thin boxers shouldn't throw stones." Remus could hear the raised eyebrow that accompanied the statement.

"You got my number." Remus laughed as he playfully bit Sirius' neck. Before Sirius could do anything other than squeal a little girlishly, he found that Remus had flipped him onto his back and was straddling him with a fire in his eyes.

Oh yes, Remus certainly loved waking up in the mornings next to Sirius Black, but spooning could only get a bloke so far.

…

Hehehehehehehehehhehehehe!


	22. Endoplasmic Reticulum

This was one of the first words I was given and I can't apologise to Enaid Mora for making her wait so long when she gave me such awesome words. (sorry!) anyways, I hope you like it!

Not. Mine *sadface*

…

Endoplasmic Reticulum.

"You, James Potter, are full of shit!" Sirius yelled as they sat beneath a large tree in the Hogwarts grounds.

"I am not." James defended as the sunlight played off the lenses of his glasses.

"There is _not_ a punk band called 'Endoplasmic Reticulum' nor will there ever be. No one would use such a shit name for their band!"

"Shit? It's the best punk band name ever."

"Oh, please." Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Go on then, come up with a better one."

"One? I'll think of six better names!"

"Go on then."

"It'll blow your tiny mind."

"Go on then."

"Yeah, you'll be laughing out the other side of your face!"

"Go on then!" James repeated loudly.

"Alright, alright keep your tits on."

"Well, stop stalling."

"Cucumber Screamers." Sirius said abruptly.

"What?" James was confused.

"Cucumber Screamers, that's one. TV Guide Mafioso, that's two."

"Go on then." James uttered his new mantra.

"Lockbox Vomiters."

"Nice,' James nodded and smiled, then his eyebrows knitted together, 'Wait, do you mean they vomit _into_ lockboxes, or they actually vomit lockboxes?"

"It doesn't matter,' Sirius clarified, 'Point is, that's three."

"Keep going then, oh Great and Powerful band namer." James bowed his head mockingly.

"Chainsaw Zombie Squad."

"Are the zombies made out of ch-"

"Polaroid Aggravation."

"Oh, nice one. I assume the last one will be a big finish?"

"Stubby Boardman and Mercia Inshore Search and Rescue."

"What is it with you and your obsession with this bloke?"

"I'm not obsessed."

"Yeah, okay then, why did you charm every textbook in the school to read 'Property of Stubby Boardman, PhD, OBE? You gay for this bloke or something?"

"James, you clearly have absolutely no idea what you're on about. Stubby Boardman is less of a man and more of an idea, a philosophy if you will-"

"You _are_ totally queer for him."

"Silly boy, no I am not. It's impossible."

"Why? Because he's an idea or because he just won't have you?"

"Because, you idiot, I _am_ Stubby Boardman."

"What?"

"That's what the deed to my flat says, anyway."

"Why in Merlin's name would you use that name? Was Sirius Orion Black not idiotic enough?" James laughed heartily.

"Does Lily know your middle name?"

"You wouldn't." James was suddenly very worried.

Sirius shrugged in reply before he stood and, with his back to James swept a hand across the sky. "Stubby Boardman is many things, grasshopper, he is freedom, immaturity, blatant sex-appeal, insecurity and a little afraid of the dark if he's completely honest about it, but most of all, dear James,' Sirius paused to cast a serious eye over James, 'Most of all, Stubby Boardman is… VENGEANCE!" With that Sirius was pelting across the grounds.

"Oh, Lilllllyyyyyyyyyyy !"

James leapt up in hot pursuit.

"I'll tell you what Stubby Boardman is,' He screamed after Sirius, 'Stubby Boardman is an arse!"

….

:P


	23. Mewling

Suggested by HPJellicleCat (I'm pretty sure, anyway.) Hope it's good anyway. Not SB/RL but still pretty cool.

No suing plz.

Mewling.

…

In the swirling, misty light of the hereafter Dumbledore confessed to him all of his secrets, his terrible deeds, his nagging guilt and his insecurities. The thing behind them continued its piteous mewling, the noise echoing around the platform and inside Harry's head. It made him think of suffering and hardship, it reminded him of his frequent and vicious beatings at the hands of Vernon Dursley. The larger man's ham fists bruising and bloodying him for years and years. It made him think of his mother's sister who referred to him as merely 'Filth'. He forgot Dudley's fumbling confusion and almost-whispered confession that he liked Harry. He thought of how he had thought he had been saved by the discovery that he was a wizard, that he was special. However, in time the wizarding world had turned on him. It may not have bloodied a lip or screeched his name, but he had been pilloried and hated. The target of innuendo, gossip and pure opportunism. It made him feel so tired.

"I've got to go back, haven't I?"

"That is up to you."

"I've got a choice?"

"Oh, yes." Dumbledore smiled at him. "We are in King's Cross, you say? I think that if you decided not to go back, you would be able to… let's say… board a train?"

Harry nodded, he couldn't remember the last time he had had a choice. While it was true that he hadn't had to face Voldemort, he knew he had to, it never would have been over otherwise. He just felt so tired. He tried to think of Ron and Hermione, their loyalty and friendship meant so much to him, their courage and determination buoyed him when his own was flagging and their love made him feel at least a little bit normal but the more he tried to think of them, the greyer they seemed until he wasn't entirely sure if he remembered them at all. Soon his thoughts turned to Ginny. He did remember her and he knew he loved her with everything he had. He thought of her slightly bossy nature, he thought of her sweet, wonderful scent, he thought of her laughter and her intoxicating taste when her soft lips met his. He remembered how her fiery hair glinted in the sun but it all seemed so much dimmer than his own mother shaking her red hair out of her face to drink in his every feature in the forest. It seemed so long ago since he had stood shaking slightly in the forest surrounded by his mother and father and the two men who he loved almost as much. He remembered the countless times he had dreamed of seeing her regard him with pride and joy. He had thought that facing death was hard, but his fear of death was nothing compared to his absolute terror at the thought of taking another breath, of feeling the worst and seeing the worst that the world had to offer. Still the twisted thing would not be silent.

In the distance a whistle sounded. He and Dumbledore watched a Scarlet train pull up to the platform. Dumbledore regarded Harry curiously.

"I just can't be The Boy Who Lived anymore." Harry admitted quietly.

Dumbledore clapped a reassuring hand on Harry's shoulder. "You don't have to be, dear boy."

The two men stood and Harry embraced his mentor.

"I trust them to finish it. I know they can."

"Of course they can."

Harry smiled as he boarded the train. Through the window he watched Dumbledore turn and walk past the twisted, horrible thing they had shared the platform with before the mist swirled and obscured everything from view.

Harry Potter sat back with a smile on his face.

…

As Hagrid sobbed over the body of Harry Potter the Death eaters stood behind Voldemort and watched the disbelief on the faces of the Hogwarts defenders. Voldemort taunted and tortured Neville. A larger group of defenders appeared, seemingly from nowhere. Neville was a blur of activity. In one swift, fluid motion Neville broke free of the Body-Bind curse upon him; the flaming Hat fell off him and he drew from its depths something silver, with a glittering, ruby handle-

The slash of the Silver blade could not be heard over the roar of the oncoming crowd, or the sounds of clashing giants, or of the stampeding centaurs, and yet it seemed to draw every eye. With a single stroke, Neville sliced off the giant snake's head, which spun into the air, gleaming in the light flooding from the Entrance Hall. With an unseen left hand Neville pulled his wand and pointed it at Voldemort before the dark wizard had stopped his scream of horror.

"Avada Kedvara." He almost whispered, his voice hard.

The next thing anyone knew, Neville Longbottom stood triumphantly over the body of Tom Riddle, a bloody sword in one hand, a wand in the other and a look of dangerous defiance in his eye.

….

That's right sucker you all in with the fluffiness and then BAM! Angst for everyone. BAM! Neville Longbottom Super Bitch!


	24. Petrichor

A return to these! I know, finally. Hope you like it, more to come soon.

Not mine, don't sue.

Petrichor.

"…bloody _huge_! They have four massive horns on their heads, two rows of smaller horns expending down the jaw line,' Sirius stated in his best story-telling voice as an enthralled Peter sat beside him, mouth wide, half of his sandwich fallen into his lap, 'The claws are venomous. It stands around twenty feet tall on its hind legs, using its muscular tail for balance. The skin is rough and slimy…"

Remus put his book bag on the floor and sat beside James on the opposite side of the table from the epic recount given by the black haired boy. As he nodded hello to a bemused James Remus reached for a nearby sandwich and began to nibble on it.

"…Uncle Alphard says Father claims to have fought one once. I reckon it's bollocks. He married one!" Sirius elbowed Peter in the ribs as they snorted in laughter. Peter looked down and noticed the pieces of sandwich. As Sirius continued he began picking it out of his lap.

"What are you two on about?" Remus asked. When Sirius turned his attention to the werewolf Peter used the opportunity to shove some of the lap-turkey into his mouth. James guffawed.

"Petrichor." Sirius answered. He turned his attention back to Peter.

"What?"

"Pet-ri-core,' Sirius sighed, rounding on Remus lazily, 'Peter asked me what the word means. I'm telling him."

"I see." Remus raised an eyebrow at his best friend as he smirked.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing." Remus sat back and folded his arms. Sirius stared at him. Remus motioned for him to continue with a hand wave and a shrug. Sirius turned back to Peter.

"Deadly bleeders, I've heard that they can take a man by his- WHAT?" Remus' body had begun to shake in silent mirth. Sirius hit his hands on the table in exasperation. James looked unsure whether to be worried or amused. Pete rescued a bit more sandwich from his lap.

"You have absolutely no bloody _idea_ what petrichor means, do you?"

"'Course I do."

"No you don't."

"I do, I-"

"No you _don't_! You're just making it up as you go along!"

"Am not."

"Yes you are!"

"I am not."

"You are! You're just saying what you _think _it _sounds_ like it means!"

"Shut up!" Sirius pouted while James and Peter snickered.

"Petrichor, PET-ri-kuhr, is the smell of rain."

"Merlin! How boring is that? Mine was way better."

"More interesting? Perhaps, to some, but still wrong. Next time someone asks you a question you don't know the answer to ask me. Don't lie."

"Someone once said 'When you lie, lie big.' I think it's sound advice." Sirius waggled his eyebrows as though that closed the matter. Remus nodded.

"You know that the 'someone' who said that was Adolph Hitler, don't you?"

Sirius' face fell.

"Right. Scratch that." To his left Peter lost another sandwich filling to gravity.

…

Hope AsYetNameless liked it! And everyone else! On to the next one, only like 40 to go! *silent nervous breakdown*


	25. Bollocks

Bollocks- And variations thereof.

**Bollocks**

The world can be a confusing place. Depending on how you look at it. Right now James Potter was looking at it from the ceiling of the potions classroom. Seconds ago he had been sitting between Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. They were working on a relatively straightforward potion. If he was honest, James couldn't remember exactly which one, he made a mental note to get Poppy to check for a concussion. James' back was fused to the ancient stones that made the roof, he could see Sirius on the floor rolling about in glee. Remus was staring wide-eyed up at James standing beside what was left of their cauldron. One pale hand fidgeting with his bottom lip the other extended out over the twisted metal, his sleeve torn and blackened. Professor Slughorn hurried over to Remus.

"Mister Black, please get up from the floor, there's a good lad. Now, Lupin, if you'd care to explain."

"We were making the potion."

"I assumed as much. What went wrong?"

"Um, I don't know?" Remus glanced around the room at the rest of the class, eyes stared back. Finally his eyes met Sirius', the dark haired boy offered him a reassuring smile.

"Did you crush the moths?"

"Yes, sir."

"You stirred the concoction', Sirius sniggered, Slughorn ignored him, 'clockwise twice for every time you stirred anti-clockwise once, ending at fifteen stirs?"

"Yes, Sir. Then we boiled it until the colour was a merry orange. I had just sliced and added the newt skins-"

"You just sliced the newt skins?"

"Yes."

"The newt skins were to be scraped first."

Remus was even paler than usual, he looked from Slughorn to Sirius, up to James and back to Slughorn. His shoulders heaved in a weary sigh.

"Bollocks." He muttered.

…

**A Bollocking**

"I thought she was going to bloody kill me. She's got a wicked bad temper, you know that." Peter looked as though he'd gone ten rounds with a Hungarian Horntail.

"Minnie just needs to get a sense of humour." Sirius responded breezily.

"Last time you said that was an hour ago, then you had some bright bloody idea to charm cartoonish underwear onto the suits of armour on the third floor."

"I really don't know why you listen to me Wormtail." Sirius replied breezily.

"Why _do_ I listen to you?"

Sirius looked genuinely perplexed, "I really have no sodding idea."

"Well, regardless. _I_ was the one who bloody got caught and I was the one who had to suffer the most heinous bollocking of ALL TIME."

"I highly doubt it was her worst', Sirius scoffed, 'Remember when I got disowned and I had a twelve-hour celebratory drinking extravaganza?"

"You mean 'Padfoot's twelve hour drinking extravaganza, brought to you by freedom, sweet, sweet freedom'?"

"Yeah, how did you remember all that?"

"You had T-shirts made up."

"Oh yeah… Well, I don't remember the bollocking much, but it was pretty harsh."

"Doesn't count if you don't remember it."

"Alright then." Sirius sprung from his place in the dormitory and headed for the door.

"What are you doing?"

"I accept your challenge… Within the hour I shall have received the worst bollocking old Minnie can dish out. By the time she's done, she'll need a ciggie!"

Behind him Peter shook his head in disbelief.

…

**Bollock-naked**

It wasn't funny, it really wasn't. Well, if it had happened to someone else, it would have been _freaking hilarious_, but from where he stood right now James Potter failed to see the funny side. Where James Potter stood right now it was also very cold. Very, very cold. He hoped that he wouldn't run into any girls between here and the dormitory. He had a reputation to protect. He was protecting it now with his two cupped hands.

_I'm going to kill him so much that he'll be so dead that he comes back to life and I can kill him again. _He thought while he quietly yet quickly raced through the halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He had to dodge Slytherins, teachers, Peeves, Filtch and Mrs. Norris but finally he came to the Gryffindor common room. He went to look at his watch and remembered that it had been with his clothes. He thanked Merlin that it was so late. Although one couldn't really go 'midnight skinny-dipping' in the lake at lunch time. He had gotten out of the water and found his clothes gone. It had to be at least one in the morning. He thanked whoever was up there that he would be able to sneak in unnoticed as the portrait swung open.

The entirety of Gryffindor was there to greet him. Sirius, Remus and Pete standing at the front of them all, his clothes neatly folded at their feet, his socks even balled.

"Happy Birthday James!" The room called.

"We figured it was fitting for you to enter your 17th birthday party the same way you entered the world- stark bollock naked!" Sirius laughed as Remus threw a towel over James' shoulders. With a drink in his hand and his friends around James began to see the funny side, as well as a hundred ways to exact revenge.

…

**The Dog's Bollocks**

"Look at it Moony, it's so groovy. It's the dog's bollocks!"

"I really wish you wouldn't say that, Pads." Remus sighed as the Christmas shoppers at Harrods gave them a wide berth and a few disapproving looks.

"They'll get over it." He shrugged.

"It's not that, it's just… Since your animagus form…" Remus looked to see if Sirius was catching his drift, Sirius stared expectantly back- obviously he wasn't.

"Well, it… It conjures an image, okay?"

Sirius thought for a second, spluttered out a laugh, then he blushed.

"That is insane Moons."

"I know, but you say it a lot-"

"It's just an expression-"

"Find another one." Remus' look was stern. Sirius looked contrite.

"Throw me a bone, would you?" The façade cracked into a wide grin.

…

A.N- Hope they were enjoyable!


	26. Delicious

Not Mine, Don't sue.

I hope it's okay, I got interrupted writing it…

Delicious – A Study of chocolate By S.O Black.

His nose rested on the table, his chin in the space below, and his eyes focused on the small rounded truffle before him. It sat about four inches away from the tip of his nose. He had to go cross-eyed to focus on it. Sirius regarded it with a strange suspicion.

He didn't get it.

He'd never been what one would call a fan of chocolate. To be totally honest, if he never ate chocolate again it would make no real difference to him. What really confused him most about the small morsel before him was Remus' reaction to it. The impossibly thin marauder could happily eat the equivalent of his own weight in chocolate. He couldn't say no to the stuff, and if he cared to examine his feelings to any real depth, Sirius would know that it made him jealous.

Remus couldn't say no to chocolate, but he seemed to have no problem saying no to Sirius. Sirius hated being on an even footing with anyone, let alone an _anything_. Besides, Sirius hadn't asked what he had been dying to ask for months.

"I hate you." He muttered at the truffle. In response it remained on the table, all chocolatey and brown.

"That's not a very nice thing to say." A soft voice prodded from behind him.

"I wasn't talking to you, Moony. I was talking to the truffle."

"This wouldn't have anything to do with your recent, very strange behaviour, would it?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean."

"Pads, last week you told my bookshelf that it had better watch itself, or it and its whorish inhabitants would find themselves merrily alight in a car park somewhere."

Sirius tried to think of something witty to say. He contented himself instead with opening and closing his mouth a couple of times before he looked away into the distance.

"Pads? Pads, what's wrong? Tell me, please?" Remus settled beside Sirius in the empty classroom.

"It's stupid."

"I bet it's not."

"It is, though. Really stupid…"

"Tell me anyway." Remus rested a reassuring hand on Sirius' shoulder. Sirius shrugged it off and stood by the window.

"I don't want to, you'll hate me. Or you'll find it funny, and that… well, that would kill me." Remus tried not to let his heart swell. A tiny piece of it glowed with hope. Perhaps he would hear what he had always wanted to hear…

"Please tell me." He tried to leave the longing out of his voice, but it was still there, he knew it was. Sirius glanced at him before he turned his attention to the window. For a minute Remus thought that Sirius wasn't going to answer him. Even when he did, he spoke so quietly that Remus almost missed it.

"It's because I'm jealous."

"What?"

"I'm jealous of them, they all make you so happy… The hours you spend with your nose wedged in a book, the look on your face when you eat a chocolate, your eyes shut, your face turned upwards, the small smile when you open your eyes again… It makes me wonder if I could make you that happy…"

"You're my best friend-"

"I don't want to be your friend!" Sirius' voice cracked and he looked away again. He felt soft hands on his hips as Remus turned him so they were facing each other.

"Be my boyfriend?" he asked before he pressed their lips together.

As their kiss deepened Sirius couldn't help notice that Remus tasted like chocolate. He peeked at the table to see the truffle was gone. His lips curled into a smile beneath Remus'.

Finally he could almost understand what the fuss was about… Chocolate could be delicious.

…

I dunno, but there it is. Hope AsYetNameless liked it at least. :D


	27. Chaos

Not mine, don't sue. No profit. I live in a hovel, I wear oversized socks as a beanie… I make no moneyz from this. I do it for the love… the boylove! lol

…

Chaos.

Sirius Black and James Potter were brothers- at least that's how they felt. They were also mischievous, conniving anarchists – Remus Lupin knew because they were two of his greatest friends. Their wild and crazy schemes were often immature and dangerous and if Remus was completely honest he'd probably tell you that it was this trilling atmosphere that probably led to his deep yet unspoken love for the longer-haired half of the duo. The chaos was delicious.

Then he would have to kill you for knowing how he felt.

But sometimes, just occasionally, Remus wasn't in the mood for these escapades.

…

"Don't look like that. It always ends badly when you do." Remus hadn't even looked up from his Transfiguration essay, he could tell from the way Sirius moved into the room that he was plotting something.

"But-"

"No, Sirius." Remus was using his 'impatient father' voice.

"You're using your impatient father voice." Sirius whined.

"And you are whining." Remus countered.

Sirius sighed deeply and swept out of the room. "Well, if you want to be a square, that's your business, man." He muttered under his breath. Finally Remus looked up to watch his back retreating.

"I don't care how many bloody hippies you hung out with in the holidays, you aren't one!"

"They were mods, Rem."

"What did you call me?" Remus glared at his friend. No body called him 'Rem'.

"Remmsie-wemmsie? Dear little Moonikins? They any better?" Remus strode into the hallway. He stood nose to nose with the other boy.

"You know I hate it when you-"

"Oh, look… now you're not busy you can help us with the prank." Sirius grinned and with a flick of his wrist the door behind Remus slammed shut, the lock clicking loudly. Remus tried to be angry, but it was hard when Sirius beamed at him.

"Well played, you stinking mutt." Sirius laughed as he took Remus by the arm and led him down the stairs to the common room.

Remus sat with folded arms as the other Marauders lay down the plan for 'Operation Chaos'. When they were done, and sat looking up at Remus hopefully the werewolf gave them a suspicious look, followed by a raised eyebrow.

This was not good.

"So, tell me, Prongs, apart from the horrendously iffy magic you've based this whole thing on, do you realise that this is dangerous, ridiculous, immature, unimaginative and stupid?' James opened his mouth to speak but Remus merely shushed him with a wave, 'As well as the fact that Lily Evans will hex your bollocks off, and this time I mean that _literally_." James went white and swallowed nervously.

Beside him Sirius started to grumble.

"Stop being so _boring_."

"Excuse me?" Remus' tone was dangerous, but Sirius ignored it.

"You, Remus John Lupin, my usually fantastic and hilariously funny friend are being boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. You have been for a week now. That's why we came up with chaos, we need some spontaneity around here or,' Sirius looked around for an 'or', found Peter and slung and arm around him, 'Or Pete here will never ever get in that bird's pants. You know the one, the chubby Hufflepuff with the." Sirius mimed a pair of ample 'the's.

Beside him Peter started to splutter, "How did you?"

"You talk in your sleep', Sirius pulled Peter even closer, "I didn't know you had it in you, and if he' Sirius pointed to Remus with the hand slung around Peter, 'has his way, you'll never have it in her." Peter blushed bright red, James laughed, Sirius waggled his eyebrows and Remus made an impatient noise.

"You are being ridiculous."

"Better than being boring."

"I am NOT boring!"

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Yes you are!"

"I AM NOT."

"Oh yeah, prove it. Go on, do something unexpected. Surprise me." Remus' hands were clenched and his face red, his eyes blazed at Sirius. Sirius' blazed right back.

"Alright, you fucking asked for it!" Remus' voice was low, as soon as he finished the sentence he grabbed Sirius' collar, pulling the other boy into a rough kiss. Sirius made a little surprised noise, his weight being held up by Remus as he leant towards his friend at a funny angle. As soon as he came to his senses he regained his balance and pressed his body against Remus'. The fantastic taste of chocolate and tea and mint and Remus threatened to send him screaming into madness. He wanted to pinch himself to make sure it was really happening but his hands were otherwise busy.

Eventually and regretfully Remus pulled away from the kiss.

"Happy now?" He asked breathlessly, his lips pink and warmed from the vigorous kiss, his eyes begging Sirius for more.

"Yep." Sirius answered finally, still a little stunned.

"Well, I sure as fuck am!" Peter laughed, shaking his head, "Although, now I think on it, I probably shouldn't be."

"I'm not."

All eyes turned towards a smirking James Potter.

"What?" Remus asked.

"Pete's not the only one who talks in his sleep."

…

Chaos for AsYetNameless… If you'll excuse me, I have some more writing to do, I have to cook dinner and go to Pilates… But mainly writing. :P


	28. Supercilious

Disclaimed!

Supercilious.

For Enaid Mora.  
(Sorry it's taken a million years!)

…

Towards the end of their fifth year the Marauders, a rag-tag bunch whose hair-raising pranks, acts of derring-do and other things-with-hyphens-in-them had held Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry spellbound with a mixture of anticipation, fear and mild sliminess for four(ish) long years, suddenly changed their pranking behaviour. Many people attributed this to the recent progress their supposed 'leader' James Potter had been making with the very feisty Lily Evans. Many people didn't know the full story.

In fact, only one person knew the full story- Sirius Orion Black.

It had all started long, long ago. The first day that the heir to the ancient and most noble house of Black became the proverbial 'black' sheep, by being sorted into Gryffindor, was the day he encountered Severus Snape. The thin, greasy-haired boy was, at first, someone Sirius regarded with a wary sort of pity. The kid had clearly never had much money or a lot of positive reinforcement at home. Sirius thought that the other boy was a sad figure, made sadder by his delusions that Sirius had had an enviable upbringing.

This quiet empathy was erased in the blinking of an eye, or, to be more accurate, in the curve of a sneer.

From the moment Severus Snape had worn the haughty look that Sirius had seen on his own mother's face a million times was the moment that the two of them began a long and very public war of attrition.

…

First Year.

Sirius Black and the Marauders -12 vs. Severus Snape and Slytherin- 10.

Result – Win to SB and The Marauders.

_It was childish and unimaginative- in years to come they would look back on it and shake their heads and reflect on how far they had progressed, but now, in this very moment they felt like the kings of the world. The entire house table of Slytherin had erupted into a spirited and frankly hilarious dance of pain. Each and every student had a biting tea-cup attached to their face, their arms flailed, their noses bled and in the distance the Marauders guffawed and high-fived each other._

…

Second Year.

Sirius Black and the Marauders – 9 vs. Severus Snape and Slytherin- 9.

Result- Tied.

_The year hadn't been great for pranking. For every successful prank they had had at least three foiled. It was becoming a real nuisance. Between the teachers, nosy red-heads and Mrs. Bloody Norris it was a miracle that any pranks were pulled at all. Apart from the fact that one particular attempted prank had degenerated into an ugly fracas had meant that for the last nine weeks of school the Marauders had stayed away from anyone at all scaly._

"_What the fuck?" Remus swore loudly. It was always a bad sign. Peter had a huge gash out of his scalp, his blonde hair quickly turning scarlet as the wound bled freely. His ample face below was now a shade or two lighter than usual._

"_Get him up to Poppy!" Sirius hissed as he rushed forward to catch the chubby boy before he fell on the stone floor. A purple curse flew over Remus' shoulder._

"_Fucking snakes!" He was very annoyed and let it show with the nasty curse that hit a Slytherin student. The girl's bottom lip inflated until it was the size of a beanbag. That also stopped the flow of oncoming people. The Marauders used this opportunity to make good their escape._

…

Third Year.

Sirius Black and The Marauders- 18 vs. Severus Snape and Slytherin-20.

Result- Surprise win to the Snakey Bastards.

_After coming back strong at the beginning of first term, with a rather spectacular act of vandalism, the Marauders soon found their attention called away to girls, less malicious pranks, illegal animagus studies and the more normal, much more boring studying in general._

_At the end of the year the Slytherin camp pulled just ahead with some remarkably deft spell work and a shocking lack of humour. Sirius' blood boiled and his hatred for Snape grew to epic proportions the morning they woke to find themselves bald and with pimples spelling out words across their faces._

"_Arrogant." James' read._

"_Blood-traitor" Sirius' read._

_A very upset Peter had the word "Squib" spelled out over his nose. The three boys looked around to see where Remus was. There was no sign of him. The only clue was the fact that the bathroom door was locked._

"_Remus?" Sirius knocked on the door lightly. James and Peter stood back, watching but offering silent support._

"_Go away." Remus' voice was muffled. He was probably squashed into the corner staring at his feet._

"_It can't be that bad. Who cares what those bastards think anyway? Don't be upset."_

"_Just piss off, alright?" Sirius glanced at the two behind him and shrugged._

"_You'll miss breakfast and they'll think they've won."_

"_SOD OFF!" It was James' turn to shrug. He signalled that perhaps they should go, Sirius was always better at convincing Remus to do what needed to be done. Sirius nodded. The other two left and Sirius drew in a steadying breath. He whispered the incantation to open the door and stepped into the room as he dodged the spell that Remus flung at him._

"_I told you to go away."_

"_Come on mate. Let me see, it's a stupid prank."_

_Remus' hands were covering his face. He shook his head. Sirius would have barked out a laugh at how undignified Remus looked if it wasn't for the fresh rivulet left by a stray tear. Sirius sat opposite Remus._

"_Come on, Remus."_

"_You'll laugh."_

"_Will not!"_

_Remus slowly lowered his hands to reveal a red and savage "UGLY" written across his best mate's face. Sirius didn't laugh, he just stared at Remus._

"_I don't understand. Why are you so upset?"_

"_Because it's true." Remus sighed._

"_What?"_

"_I'm ugly, alright. We're not all blessed with fucking perfection like you and James, you know!"_

"_Remus, you're not ugly."_

"_Thanks, but it's no use just saying that."_

"_I'm not saying that to make you feel better, I'm saying it because it's true." Sirius slid over to sit beside Remus. "I mean it. I swear on my mother's life."_

"_You hate your mother."_

"_Her death then." _

_Remus managed a tiny smile._

"_You really can be a dense bugger sometimes, can't you? Is it the scars?"_

"_No, it's that half-formed twin I've got growing out of my shoulder. Of course it's the fucking scars."_

"_Scars are a sign of strength. Apparently birds find them dead sexy. And if you look past the scars," Sirius seemed to look into Remus' face like he hadn't seen the other boy before, "You see intelligence, grace and… sophistication."_

"_Sophistication?"_

"_Especially when compared to me and James." Remus' smile brightened tenfold before it dimmed again._

"_How did I let them get to me? I mean, it's a stupid prank anyway. Fucking snakes!"_

"_Just remember that anger." Sirius counselled sagely._

"_Why?"_

"_It'll come in useful when plotting revenge."_

_Remus smiled large then before he rubbed a hand over his stomach._

"_Merlin's beard, I'm hungry. Let's eat." Remus stood, walking slowly beside Sirius as he spoke, "Now, I was thinking that we haven't used toad bile enough in the past and Severus could really use some shampoo…"_

"_Does it work as a shampoo?"_

"_Only one way to find out…"_

…

Fourth Year.

Sirius Black and The Marauders- 25 vs. Severus Snape and Slytherin- 12.

Result- An escalation in the hostilities has resulted in a resounding victory to the Marauders.

_The Slytherin camp had no idea what had hit them. The Marauders seemed to be everywhere at once and had dropped all pretence of honour or propriety. They attacked whomever and whenever the mood struck them and this was often. This year had a marked increase in the nastiness and no one particular situation seemed to sum the year up. _

_All that anyone knew was that if it continued like this someone was going to get killed. Or worse, expelled._

…

Fifth Year.

Sanity stopped play.

Result- a lot of soul searching.

_It was as Snape's ankle swooped out from under him, the students around them laughing as the boy shook with impotent rage that Sirius caught sight of himself._

_And saw his mother looking back at him._

_Sirius didn't know what else to do- he ran. As he did his mind seemed to race before him. This whole time he had hated Snivellus for being like his own mad family. Sirius hated the bullying, underhanded humiliations his family had inflicted upon anyone and everyone and when he had seen that supercilious look on Snape's face he had railed against it. Railed against it for almost five years…_

_And in doing so he had personified what he was fighting against._

…

The Marauders were sitting beside the fire in the common room- two of them absolutely dumbfounded by what Sirius had just said, the third regarding him with a quiet pride. Remus had hated what they had become and was glad Sirius had the guts to voice the opinion that enough was enough. Remus wished he had months ago.

"No more pranks?" James asked, wincing as though someone had just kicked him.

"Pranks are fine. The funnier the better. I just think that perhaps the full-on targeted attacks might be a little… well, I just don't want to do it anymore."

"What if they start something?"

"Defend and deflect. Boring I know, but it's got to stop, and they'll get bored too and it'll be over."

James looked mutinous. Sirius looked as though he was going to fold.

"I think Sirius has the right idea. It is rather vulgar." Remus interjected.

James opened his mouth to interrupt but Remus swept a hand through the air and he fell silent.

"Besides, Lily might appreciate seeing a softer; more… mature side to the great James Potter."

James' mouth spread into a wide grin.

"I suppose it was getting a bit boring…"

Sirius marvelled at how Remus knew exactly what to say and when to say it. He made a mental oath that he wouldn't again be tangled in petty intrigues with Severus Snape.

…

A promise he almost kept. Until one full moon night.

…

…

…

…

Hope it was enjoyable! S.M x


	29. Shrubbery

Disclaimed.

Another word for Enaid Mora.

…

Shrubbery.

…

"Well?"

They asked, arms folded, as soon as he walked into the room.

"Well what?"

"How far did you get?"

He looked like the cat that got the cream. "Got a glimpse of the shrubbery." He smirked again.

Across the room Remus sighed and put the book he was reading on his bedside table.

"You seriously didn't just refer to Marlene McKinnon's pubic hair as shrubbery did you?" He asked wearily, both knowing the answer and hoping for a different one.

"Yep." Sirius' eyes sparkled and he licked his top lip as he waggled his eyebrows.

"I'm horrified at you. I shouldn't be, this is what I should expect from you…"

James and Peter stood stock still and gazed at Remus with shocked expressions.

"What does that mean?"

"It means that you treat women as though they are objects and, quite frankly, it's disgusting."

"Let me get this straight, you are giving me dating advice."

"I am merely sick of hearing your awful, sexist innuendo."

James and Peter couldn't suppress the giggle at 'innuendo.'

"Why do I bother? Cretins- all three of you."

"What's up your nose?"

"You."

"Is this because you can't get laid?"

"Of course not. I'm not having any issues in that area, thank you very much."

"As if. When was the last time you had a date?"

"Last Saturday." Remus tried not to let the creeping blush deter him. He'd gotten this far, after all.

"Bollocks! You haven't had a date with a girl since third year and it was a shambles."

"No I haven't had a date with a girl since third year."

"Then how did you have a…" A thought suddenly struck Sirius. "You're homosexual?"

"Where did you learn a great big word like that?" Remus was afraid that he would no longer have any friends and was lashing out, "I'm queer, if that's what you mean."

"Since when?"

"Uh… birth?" Remus crossed his arms across his chest.

"Don't get angry at me. I'm your mate, remember."

"Sorry. Look, I just want you to keep in mind that sometimes, whether you like it or not, people care about you more than you care about them. So, try to be less flippant about your… conquests."

"Alright. Sorry, Moony."

Remus returned to his bed, thanking whoever was in charge of these things that Sirius thought that Remus had been talking about Marlene and not himself. He sat back down and opened his book as Sirius gave a more respectful recount of his night. Remus ignored it all. Jealousy was such an ugly emotion and he avoided it whenever he could.

"Hey, Moony." Sirius interrupted a little while later.

"Yes, Padfoot?"

"Who'd you date last Saturday?" Sirius asked, trying not to sound _too_ interested. He wasn't sure why he wanted to know but determined to exact revenge all the same.

…

Sorry, it was a little short one, but it's what I thought of.  
S.M x


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